Braverman to redefine refugee as 'anyone who should have stayed home'

THE home secretary believes we should change refugee to mean ‘anyone who should have stayed in their own country and will be sent back there’. 

Suella Braverman, visiting Washington DC in the hope it will look like the president asked her to, said that the current definition of refugee is so broad it includes people she does not like at all.

She continued: “Refugees aren’t what they were in 1951, when there had been a proper war with Britain as a key player and the majority were nice and white.

“No, too often they’re fleeing some ethnic conflict they started themselves, have the wrong politics and are coming to Britain merely because their lives have been threatened. At least survive an attempt on it before you run away crying.

“I propose that we redefine the term refugee to mean ‘quitter’. To mean ‘someone who could have fixed things back home but it was too much trouble’. To mean ‘foreign, but not rich’.

“This judicious shift would allow us to kick refugees back to their home countries with instructions to make things better. And you know what that makes? A better world.”

She added: “Also, if you haven’t come direct to Britain from Afghanistan you don’t get in. Touch another country first and you’ve got its germs on you.”

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Ten-year-old leaping on and off benches in shopping centre is 'doing parkour'

A YOUNG boy jumping erratically around a shopping centre has explained he is a highly trained parkour expert. 

Josh Gardner is performing moves like running along the edge of a bench and leaping down three steps at once because he is traversing urban areas like a ninja in school trainers.

He said: “I make it look easy. But leaping off a large concrete flower bin and going straight into an alert crouch then running off to the left is incredibly difficult.

“I got into parkour when I was eight. The buzz of jumping on a bench is unreal, and then to jump off it literally seconds later is mind-blowing. All these adults walking along at ground level. I pity them.

“Running along walls, swinging on lamposts, sliding under cycle racks, and I once did two benches in a row without touching the ground between. Sounds like I’m making it up, but my peep got it on TikTok.

“Parkour is life. It is freedom. I could totally outrun the feds if they followed me by this one specific route where I vault the bollards.”

Shopper Margaret Gerving, aged 78, said: “Parkour. That’s what’s wrong with him, is it?”