Middle-class child's tantrums acceptable because he's wearing Boden

AN odious terror of a toddler is allowed to scream and thrash about in museum cafes because he looks darling in his Boden dungarees, his parents have explained. 

Three-year-old Oliver O’Connor transforms every Costa, Pizza Express, soft play centre or shop he enters into a nightmare of howling, thrown objects and high-speed running, but rarely receives tuts or scowls because he dresses as a little country gentleman.

Mother Eleanor said: “We don’t like to discipline Oliver in public, because it’s easier to say you do it in private, so we’ve gone for Boden instead.

“Your child can get away with so much when he’s wearing a Fair Isle knit covered in adorable little foxes! Even when he steals marshmallows from a stranger’s saucer, they look at us and realise we’re the right kind of family.

“His behaviour’s likely because he’s so creative and intelligent, which can interpreted as bratty or spoilt in public places, but dressed in head-to-toe Boden he still gets given a free babychino.

“The doctor says it’s not ADHD and have I tried telling him off now and again. But how can I when he looks so cute in his Breton shirt and corduroy trousers?”

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Woman furious that fat friend is engaged

A WOMAN who should be wishing an overweight friend who is engaged every happiness is instead raging at her presumptuousness. 

Slender Charlotte Phelps, who can eat whatever she likes and not put on weight, is very fond of pal Lauren Hewitt but thought she knew her place.

Phelps said: “I absolutely do not mean anything offensive by this, but what does she think she’s doing waddling down the aisle when I’m bloody single?

“Don’t get me wrong, Lauren’s a lovely girl. Nice face. Big personality. Enormous arse. But does she not realise the point of a big-boned friend is to make me look good in comparison?

“I can only assume her fiancé is one of those feeder-and-eater perverts from Channel 5. He must’ve proposed by proffering the ring to her on a Pringle. What will the theme of the wedding be – cream cakes? And good luck carrying her over the threshold.

“Still I’m very happy for her and not at all jealous, because how could I be? When she’s fat?”

Hewitt said: “I’ll have to invite Charlotte but good luck whoever’s stuck on a table with the vile bitch.”