Brexit now a full-on religion

BREXIT now involves so much blind faith, devotion and wilful ignorance of earthly consequences that it qualifies as an actual religion, adherents have confirmed.

As the UK’s infrastructure begins to break down, only making believers more fanatical, the Council for Religious Education agreed that Brexit must be recognised as one of the major religions of the UK.

Leave voter Roy Hobbs said: “There is only one truth and only one path, and that path is Brexit. Only it can bring salvation.

“They considered making it a denomination of Christianity, because we all say we’re Christians when we’re ranting about immigrants, but we don’t want some bloody do-gooder in charge. We’re more one of those fire-and-blood religions.

“Empty supermarket shelves? Closed Nando’s? No milkshakes at McDonald’s? I don’t see ‘em mate. Because the scales have fallen from my eyes. Because I believe.

“The only thing holding this country back from being an paradise of nationalism are the non-believers which must be purged and the Great Satan, or as you call it the EU. Saddle up, everyone. Time for a new crusade.”

Boris Johnson said: “This means I’m the Messiah, which honour I humbly accept. I have to say I always knew.”

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Top swearwords for cowards too afraid to swear f**king properly

WE all have our bad days which is why we’ve developed the vocabulary to describe shite, shitty or piss-awful experiences. But some arseholes say this bollocks instead:

‘Shoot!’

There are few things in this world so insignificant that ‘shoot!’ would be appropriate. A change in direction of a light breeze, maybe. But anything more annoying than a dropped spoon, and you need to break out the full, unadulterated ‘shit’. It’s nothing. Your granny says it.

‘Oh my gosh’

Some may deem it sacrilegious to take the Lord’s name in vain. Others argue that those who think it’s ‘in vain’ to call on a higher power have never stubbed their toe while carrying a fresh mug of coffee. They’re calling on a divine entity to save them from the worst f**king pain known to humankind, just like Christ himself did.

‘Blimey’

Aside from Cockney chimneysweeps, no one should be breaking out a ‘blimey’ to express surprise, excitement or even alarm. If you want something mild to use around a young child, use ‘bloody hell’. They’ll still get in trouble if they say it at school, but at least they won’t sound like Oliver Twist begging for extra gruel.

‘Jeez Louise’

Who is Louise? Why is she getting dragged into it? Every good woman will admit that she’d rather hear a man drop a ‘twat’ or a quick ‘bitch’ rather than resort to piss-poor feminine swearing of this variety. Grow a pair.

‘Fudge’

Quite apart from ‘fudge’ already being semi-rude as part of ‘fudge tunnel’, this childish attempt not to drop the F-bomb cheapens everyone who hears it. The Anglo-Saxons didn’t come up with such a good strong expletive for you to water it down like that. Have some f**king respect.

‘A load of rubbish’

Now you’re just being lazy. Your life’s not just rubbish, it’s a heap of crap. A great big load of bollocks. A steaming mound of flaming shit. If you’re still resorting to describing the situation as ‘rubbish’, you’re not facing your problems head-on. Someone needs to swear at you, and fast.

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