Britain hoping it doesn't vote Tory by mistake

THE UK is keeping its fingers crossed that it does not go blank in the voting booth and deliver a massive Conservative landslide out of habit. 

Voters across the UK are trying to focus on the task in hand and not walk into a polling station, drift off, and accidentally return a government they profoundly disagree with.

Nathan Muir of Congleton said: “Labour. Not Tories. Labour. They’re the ones in red.

“Only the voting slips don’t come in colours and I meant to pay attention to what my candidate’s called but totally forgot. I think the good one’s Sarah and the bad one’s Fiona, or is it the other way around?

“They shouldn’t trust someone like me with a decision this momentous. I’m always getting shit wrong. Just last night I brought my wife a cup of tea when she’d asked for coffee.

“Come on, Nath. Remember the last 14 years. Remember Partygate, remember austerity, remember that dog’s breakfast of a Brexit. Remember Truss. Keep your mind on the game. You can do this.”

Muir then entered his local polling station, cast his vote, left and walked approximately a dozen paces before suddenly stopping, putting his hand to his face and exclaiming ‘F**KING HELL’.

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Man voting for whoever 5G tells him to

A MAN is putting a cross next to the candidate he is commanded to by the 5G nanobots in his brainstem and bloodstream. 

Tom Booker from Ditchling, an automation controlled by the globalist world order and van driver, entered his polling station and voted like he is no more than a puppet of Bill Gates and George Soros.

He said: “Looks like Piers Corbyn was right. The Covid jab injected the nanites and they’ve got strong opinions about tax thresholds.

“As soon as I touched the little pencil, someone somewhere threw a switch and the 5G kicked in. A dial tone filled my head and I heard the Deep State debate who I should vote for. In the end they went with Ed Davey.

“I then marched to the ballot box as if being operated by remote control, dropped in my vote, and made a strange salute while barking ‘Hail the New World Order.’ So yeah, five years we’ll all be living in tunnels.

“It was a relief to be honest. I was torn between the Greens and Labour so it’s nice the choice has been made for me. Now I’ve apparently got to go home and have a Pot Noodle.”