Britain to decide why it's shit

DAVID Cameron has pledged to settle, once and for all, the question of why Britain is so shit.

In what has been described as ‘a speech’, the prime minister urged the country ‘to think long and hard about its unremitting awfulness’.

He said: “We start with the basic truth that Britain is shit. We then need to ask ourselves ‘who made it so shit?’.

“Was it the people who live here? Or was it the people who don’t live here? I have absolutely no idea.”

Mr Cameron said that if he wins the next election he will ask the people who leave comments on the Daily Telegraph website why they think Britain is shit and then ask you if you agree with them, or you think they are badly dehydrated.

Bill McKay, an expert from Peterborough, said: “Since the end of the war the Germans have used poisonous darts to stop us making things out of metal.

“Meanwhile, it was a mysterious Italian aristocrat who decided our economy should be based on the speculative trading of fictional money.

“And the only reason we agreed to sell all our nuclear power stations to the French is because they bribed John Prescott with a giant bag of crisps.”

He added: “All decisions are Belgian.”



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After telling your doctor how miserable you get listening to Vivaldi, he diagnoses you with four seasonally affected disorder.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After studying conspiracy theories at college you decide to go for an All Hail Our Lizard Masters degree.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
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Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Since you ask, I don’t think strippers accept Nectar points.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As a committed atheist you spend two hours this evening telling the kids making snow angels in the park about the folly and intellectual poverty of faith. You fucking hero, you.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
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Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
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Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
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Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
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Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This horoscope may contain horse molecules.