Britain waiting for medical all-clear to think Boris is a dick again

BRITONS are nervously awaiting the all-clear from the prime minister’s doctors so that they can think he is a dick again.

Reports that Boris Johnson is in ‘extremely good spirits’ are thought to mean the UK can end a week of concern and get back to its previous contempt for the twat.

Joe Turner said: “Since Sunday political differences have been put aside and as a nation we’ve hoped for his recovery. It’s going to be such a relief to call him a fat, entitled prick again.

“I’m left-wing, but nobody needed a power vacuum at the top and purely on a human level I felt for him. I’m genuinely glad the lying Bullingdon Club arsehole is getting better.

“Can we talk about how this is all his own fault for ignoring the rules yet? About how he’s clearly the Downing Street super-spreader? How that’s absolutely f**king typical?

“I can’t wait until he’s back leading the nation so I can say how unfit he is to lead the nation again. It’s still an insult to say he’s an improvement on Dominic Raab.”

Conservative voter Susan Traherne said: “The whole country can rejoice this Easter, for our hero is risen again. The stupid bastard.”

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Britons enter fourth week of massive stay-at-home bender

BRITAIN’S population is staggering into the fourth week of its self-destructive lockdown drinking spree.

With no end to the lockdown in sight, plucky Brits have bravely decided to redouble their efforts of getting wasted around the clock at home.

Francesca Johnson said: “It’s common knowledge that everyone who isn’t a key worker has been doing their bit at home by necking booze or lying around in a half-cut stupor for the last three weeks.

“Not only is this pumping money into the economy, it also makes working from home bearable, so we’ve really got to keep it up. It’s patriotic.

“Sure, the government hasn’t explicitly told us to get wrecked 24/7, but if you read between the lines you can tell they want us to crack open another bottle of Lambrini and drink the day away.

“Why else do you think the offies are still open?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The biggest challenge as we enter week four is to make sure everyone paces themselves. If everyone pops out for tinnies at once some people will not be able to get bladdered.”

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