WORRIED about surviving the UK’s escalating economic apocalypse? Fear not because chancellor Rishi Sunak is here with advice for the hard times ahead.
Buy a metal detector
We’ve all been there – the pennies in your piggy bank don’t stretch to a loaf of Asda own-brand bread. But instead of any meaningful public sector pay rises, we’re offering reduced-price metal detectors – via our preferred government partner – so families can get out there and find the pennies that Britons threw away in the days of plenty.
Visit motorways in Kent
Motorways in Kent might be at a standstill once the Brexit transition period ends in January. So why not go and join the queues of lorries and ask if you can take their rotting food off their hands before it goes to waste?
Check drawers in relatives’ houses
In the rough and tumble of life, we all have to do difficult things to make sure we’re on the winning side. So don’t be afraid to visit an elderly relative and have a quick look through the drawers in their bedroom, just to be sure they’re not keeping any cash that they probably don’t need.
Bet against the pound
We’re all patriots, of course we are. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t put our own interests first from time to time. That’s why we think that you should be pragmatic and consider some of the excellent opportunities out there to invest in the decline of the pound.