Cameron on severe E comedown

DAVID Cameron is in floods of tears today after having taken Ecstasy with Boris Johnson at the Olympics closing ceremony.

The prime minister and Johnson were seen dancing vigorously to the Spice Girls’ segment of Sunday night’s festivities. Cameron has since confessed the pair shared a ‘White Callie’ Ecstasy tablet that London’s mayor had kept in his fridge since the 90s.

Cameron said: “Boris was like come on, it’s the Olympics, a once in a lifetime event, we’ve got to get on one.

“At first I refused on the basis that I had to run the country the next day, but then the lights and smoke evoked memories of my raving years and I thought, this would be an incredible place to get pilled up.

“For ages I didn’t think it was doing anything, then I got that familiar nauseous feeling that one gets when coming up on a strong gurner. Ten minutes later, I was gone.

“My body was the music, and the music was my body.”

Cameron was later overhead telling Johnson he could take over as prime minister whenever he wanted, saying, “It’s just a job, it’s not important. Love is what’s important.”

However a Downing Street source claimed that Cameron is now suffering severe effects of post-Ecstasy serotonin depletion: “He’s in bed with all the curtains drawn, watching kids’ TV, crying and eating bananas.

“I mentioned something about a cabinet meeting, he did this weird face like a wounded animal and disappeared under the duvet.”



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London in 2012 promises unamazing, believable experiences

THE end of London 2012 has triggered the return of London in 2012, a work-themed occasion offering all-of-a-lifetime experiences.

London in 2012 offers events including Going to Work, Working Fucking Hard and Returning from Work.

Commenting on his time of  58 minutes commuting from Chigwell to Lancaster Gate, civil servant Wayne Hayes said, “What can I say? It’s like a dream come true.

“Specifically, the dream where I am trapped by an onerous mortgage in a soulless job from which there will be no respite until I am practically dead.

“I’d like to thank my mum, my dad, all my family, my teachers for always believing that this is the life I’d land up in and encouraging me to aim for about the middle.”

Donna Sheridan, a 46 year old bookkeeper said, “What got me, coming down the Mall, across London Bridge was the way the crowds weren’t pulling for you.

“I could tell from the way a woman swore at me after she’d bumped into me while texting just how much she cared about me achieving my goals.”

IT network analyst Roy Hobbs said: “It’s possible to put into words. A miserable, grey, churlish, ugly, sprawling, spirit-sucking, fetid, carcinogenic craphole, a rat’s maze with all the charm of a loading bay.

“Wish I was in Paris.”

“Perhaps it’s time to stop living vicariously via wiry men in shorts, throw the telly out the window and move somewhere sunny with trees.”