Cameron to hold Obama's jacket in Putin confrontation

PRESIDENT Obama has arranged for David Cameron to hold his jacket during a heated exchange on Syria with Vladimir Putin.

The confrontation, which will take place in the tea and coffee area after the opening presentation at the G20 summit, has been carefully stage-managed by the Americans.

A US government source said: “Obama’s going to be first in the drinks queue and casually ask Putin ‘Anything for you, Vlad? Cup of Sarin gas?’

“When Putin starts ripping his top off – he does that every G20, you can set your watch by it – then Obama will coolly hand Cameron his jacket, like he’s really going to fight him this time.

“He’ll be talking some trash, probably about Russia’s low population growth rate or lack of investment in renewable energy sources, just to get Putin extra-riled.

“By then a crowd will have gathered.

“Obama’ll dodge Putin’s first charge, then make out like he’s going in while actually muttering out of the side of his mouth to Hollande and Merkel to hold him back. Then Herman Van Rompuy will arrive in the middle and break it up like he always does.”

Putin, together with sidekick Xi Jinping, is expected to pass a note to Obama threatening to do him in on the St Petersburg playing fields.

However when the appointed time coes he is likely to chicken out and take his motorcade home with his tail between his legs.

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Brand used a Mercedes, just like Hitler

RUSSELL Brand has enjoyed the comfort of a Mercedes Benz, just like Adolf Hitler.

The actor and comedian has attacked fashion label Hugo Boss for its Nazi past, but not Mercedes because, according to experts, their cars have a lot of leg room in the back.

Julian Cook, professor of German things at Roehampton University, said: “Russell’s a tall man and he needs the space you get in the back of an S-Class.

“Now the standard S-class has a wheelbase of just over three metres, which is good, but the open-topped 770 was almost four metres and so had room for Hitler, Himmler, Goebbels and Bormann.”

Brand, who wears Hugo Boss clothes when he is not comparing them to SS uniforms, also enjoys other products with inconvenient Nazi entanglements.

Recent photos show Brand driving an Audi, part of Volkswagen Group, which produced a famous car which was the brainchild of a famous genocidal maniac.

Meanwhile, historians have suggested that Brand could learn more about Nazi persecution if he spoke to victims, such as 83 year-old Fawlty Towers star Andrew Sachs.

Professor Martin Bishop said: “Sachs is German-Jewish and escaped from Berlin in 1938. Just a few decades later Russell Brand fucked his granddaughter and then told him all about it in a dirty phone message.”

Bishop added: “He could also trying making a film that isn’t a crime against humanity.”