Can you guess the Tory MP by their blackmail sex scandal? A fun game for families

EVERYONE loves Conservative MPs and their propensity to stumble into hilarious sex outrages. Gather the family around and match the backbencher to their scandal!

Scandal one: Met man on dating website, went back to his, got locked in by ‘some bad people,’ campaign manager paid £6,500 from own savings later reimbursed from campaign funds

Answer: Someone’s been keeping up on the news! That’s right, this is Mark Menzies, member for Fylde, the horndog and former energy minister once accused of paying a Brazilian male escort for sex and meow-meow who strongly denies all wrongdoing!

Scandal two: Fell for a Grindr honeytrap and sent nudes and the private contact details of several fellow MPs to an anonymous blackmailer

Answer: Well done to mum for spotting this one! Yes, just last week William Wragg admitted falling for this sexy sting, the irrepressible stud always up for sexting someone he’s not sure he knows who’s lost the whip but is still sitting!

Scandal three: Arrested and charged after fleeing the scene of a car accident wearing a PVC miniskirt, banned from driving for six months

Answer: Little Tommy’s got a long memory! Yes, it’s member for Bridgend Jamie Wallis, who separately was blackmailed, co-owned a sugar daddy website, and ran companies which received hundreds of Trading Standards complaints! Trés hot!

Scandal four: Sexually assaulted two men at a private members’ club which uncovered six other allegations of impropriety – but wasn’t blackmailed because he’s Chief Whip

Answer: Good work Auntie Kath for delving all the way back to 2022 for Chris Pincher, the man whose non-resignation caused Boris Johnson’s downfall and, unlike all the above, is no longer an MP! But can still call himself ‘the Right Honourable’ for life

Scandal five: Watched pornography on his phone in the House of Commons not once but twice, claiming he was looking for websites about tractors

Answer: Nobody? No? It was Neil Parish, former member for Tiverton and Honiton, who actually did the right thing, resigned and now appears on the news preaching to his colleagues from the relative moral high ground! That’s how far the party has fallen!

Please note: for reasons of space, this game could only include post-2020 scandals and did not include Conservative MPs convicted of sexual offences, of which there were several.

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Sean Lennon and James McCartney, and other nepo babies you're delighted to see fail

THE children of two of The Beatles have released a terrible, insipid single together. Which other nepo-babies are busily ruining their parents’ good names?

Sean Lennon and James McCartney

If you were the offspring of two of the greatest musicians the world has ever produced, would you get together and release a shit, whimsical single about lying around on Primrose Hill? Well, given that you’d have grown up with immense wealth and privilege and therefore have a staggering lack of self-awareness, yes, you probably would. And, as these two have proved, it would be utter rubbish.

Clara McGregor

No doubt Clara McGregor is a delightful person, but you can’t help but hate her a little bit for starring in a film with her incredibly famous father Ewan. Presumably this vanity project was intended to give her acting career a bit of a boost, but it has been mauled by critics so it may have had the opposite effect. Luckily Ewan’s career is bulletproof by this stage, which is just as well because no one ever expected a show about Obi-Wan Kenobi would suck balls.

Brooklyn Beckham

Whether he’s releasing a book of godawful photos or being so bad at acting that he was cut from his wife’s film even before it was completely panned, there seems to be nothing the fruit of Victoria and David’s loins can do. But then, having been mega-rich and famous since the moment of conception, there isn’t really anything he needs to be able to do. Maybe he’ll make an excellent stay-at-home dad someday. Or think the dishwasher is a compact ‘toddler shower’. Who knows?

Lily-Rose Depp

Her dead-eyed Keith Richards wannabe father has not fared well of late, and nor has the career of Lily-Rose. Her recent show The Idol was named by many people as the worst they had ever seen, and was basically one long boring sex scene between her and The Weeknd. It’s wrong to dislike people because you think their dad is a bit of a prick, but on top of that Lily-Rose always has an expression like she’s chewing a wasp so it’s quite hard not to take against her.

Lily Collins

Another Lily, this time the daughter of MOR rock singer Phil. He wasn’t great at acting, as the film Buster clearly demonstrates, but that doesn’t mean Lily should be tarred with the same talentless brush. However, because the show she is most well-known for is the buttock-shrivellingly twee and irritating Emily In Paris, it’s hard to judge whether she has any acting chops or not. Because you’re too distracted by wanting to punch her in the face.

Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus is the daughter of Billy Ray, who ruined 1992 by inflicting twangy country nightmare Achy Breaky Heart on the world. And she is the god-daughter of Dolly Parton who is beloved by everyone, and rightfully so. It’s a bit of a stretch to claim Miley is in any way failing, but she is responsible for Wrecking Ball, one of the worst songs ever, so she’s certainly had a bit of a dip. If you’ve never seen the video which features her licking a sledgehammer and swinging around naked on – you’ve guessed it – a wrecking ball, don’t bother. It’s not worth the PTSD.