Thursday, 13th May 2021

'Cannibalism is normal and healthy' says Dominic Raab

DOMINIC Raab has reassured Britain that cannibalism is normal, healthy and would actually make us a more vital and entrepreneurial country. 

The foreign secretary dispelled fears of post-Brexit food shortages by saying that the UK had ample meat stocks if the weak, the defenceless and the sluggish of foot were included. 

He said: “We’d be not only the first nation to approve a Covid vaccine, but also the first to lift outdated restrictions on the consumption of human flesh. 

“What a country we’ll be when the poor, the lonely and the economically unviable are not just disposed of but used as an asset to help our strongest and most brutal citizens. 

“Lean, hungry and willing to violate even the most ancient taboos, we’ll be ready to take on the world, then cook them and eat them. It’s a vision of a truly global Britain. 

“God, it’d be good to gnaw on a human femur in the open instead of just behind closed doors in cabinet meetings. Though it is a little distasteful that Priti insists on raw.” 

Raab added: “If you’re capable of meeting other humans without instantly deciding who you’d kill and consume, I pity you. You won’t thrive in the no-deal future that’s to come.”