CURIOUS to know what happened at the make-or-break Brexit trade talks last night? Here is an almost certainly true account.
5.45pm. Johnson emerges from his plane at Brussels airport looking like a sack of shit. Unable to resist acting the unfunny clown, he tells European journalists, “Lucky your Messerschmitts didn’t get us, eh what?”
7.30pm. The meal begins. Ursula von der Leyen sets out the key sticking points, including EU regulatory standards, the UK selling off its fishing rights years ago, and the Irish border.
7.32pm. Johnson is bored and discusses Britain’s close relationship with Europe in the context of winning World War 2. He also asks for another napkin because he has dropped some scallops in his lap.
8.59pm. Johnson has been hammering the red wine and tries to make a London bus out of a bread roll and four biscuits. EU negotiators are baffled and make a cautious call to local mental health services, just in case.
10.45pm. A well-oiled Johnson suggests he and Ursula forget all this boring rubbish and go somewhere a bit more lively. He deploys the killer chat-up line “You’re quite attractive for an older woman”.
12.02am. Determined to conclude the trade talks, the EU delegation allow themselves to be led through Brussels in search of “somewhere that’s open” by Johnson. He instructs chief UK negotiator David Frost to “get some fags” on the way.
12.57am. Johnson locates a tacky late-opening bar with some sort of club in the basement playing bland Euro techno-pop.
3.15am. The EU delegation finish their drinks and go home, with Johnson having disappeared hours ago. He is later found in Antwerp where he was “trying to buy some E”.