'Fancy going on to a club?': How Boris Johnson's Brexit meal went wrong

CURIOUS to know what happened at the make-or-break Brexit trade talks last night? Here is an almost certainly true account.

5.45pm. Johnson emerges from his plane at Brussels airport looking like a sack of shit. Unable to resist acting the unfunny clown, he tells European journalists, “Lucky your Messerschmitts didn’t get us, eh what?” 

7.30pm. The meal begins. Ursula von der Leyen sets out the key sticking points, including EU regulatory standards, the UK selling off its fishing rights years ago, and the Irish border.

7.32pm. Johnson is bored and discusses Britain’s close relationship with Europe in the context of winning World War 2. He also asks for another napkin because he has dropped some scallops in his lap. 

8.59pm. Johnson has been hammering the red wine and tries to make a London bus out of a bread roll and four biscuits. EU negotiators are baffled and make a cautious call to local mental health services, just in case.

10.45pm. A well-oiled Johnson suggests he and Ursula forget all this boring rubbish and go somewhere a bit more lively. He deploys the killer chat-up line “You’re quite attractive for an older woman”.

12.02am. Determined to conclude the trade talks, the EU delegation allow themselves to be led through Brussels in search of “somewhere that’s open” by Johnson. He instructs chief UK negotiator David Frost to “get some fags” on the way.

12.57am. Johnson locates a tacky late-opening bar with some sort of club in the basement playing bland Euro techno-pop.

3.15am. The EU delegation finish their drinks and go home, with Johnson having disappeared hours ago. He is later found in Antwerp where he was “trying to buy some E”.

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How to get hammered and embarrass yourself at the office Zoom party

JUST because the office party is online doesn’t mean you can’t make a total arse of yourself and face online disciplinary proceedings the next day. Follow these tips: 

Have plenty of cheap booze ready

For the authentic office party vibe, get a crate of wholesale red wine costing no more than £2 a bottle. It should taste of vinegar and be called something like ‘Bonjour Vino’ to ineptly disguise that it’s from Albania and made of antifreeze.

Start way too early

You can’t go to the pub at lunchtime, so start boozing at 1pm for a 6pm start. By the time you log on you should be alarmingly pissed against an arresting backdrop, like a bookshelf full of your amateur taxidermy, and exhorting colleagues to do shots.

Forget you’re on Zoom

As the weird Zoom party gets underway, try to clink glasses with a colleague forgetting there’s a laptop screen in the way and spilling wine everywhere. Then wander off so everyone’s looking at a blank wall while you rant from an unseen location.

Start dancing in a mad fashion

Dancing at an office party is embarrassing. Dancing on Zoom in your living room is humiliating. Ignore this and try freaky rave dancing, a Saturday Night Fever impression, and finally give yourself a black eye tripping over your coffee table while pogoing.

Tell someone you love them

Drunk, on Zoom, think everyone’s got you muted but they haven’t? Now’s the perfect time to tell an attractive co-worker you’ve always fancied them so the entire office can record your humiliating rejection. And thanks to the one bright spark who clicked record, relive it again and again.

Wallow in regret the following day

Ask yourself questions like: did I really do that? Do I still have a job? Why did Lucy turn off her camera? On the upside, you’ve used technology to overcome the challenges of Covid and still have a traditional office party. You can probably put that on your CV.