Wednesday, 12th May 2021

Fate of entire nation depends on Boris taking a woman seriously

THE fate of the whole UK depends on Boris Johnson taking a woman to dinner, listening to what she says and taking it seriously. 

The economic future of Britain hinges on the prime minister’s dinner with Ursula von der Leyen this evening, and few believe there is any reason to hope that he won’t f**k it up.

Johnson said: “Don’t mention the war. Don’t try to shag her. Don’t forget this isn’t the Bullingdon Club and she won’t laugh if you set fire to the curtains.

“Listen to her? That can’t be right. Surely the polite thing to do when a woman is talking is wait until she’s finished? Listening would be cruel.

“And not just a woman but a Kraut, surely an act of deliberate provocation. But they say that imitating her accent with the old stiff-arm salute would end all hope of a deal.

“I thought I’d just lie my way out of it, but apparently this little lady’s got a head for figures. Crikey. Boris has got himself in a real scrape this time. Well, here goes!”

The dinner is expected to conclude without a deal after Johnson drinks two bottles of Bordeaux, puts his hands in his trouser pockets and offers to show Dr von der Leyen the white-eared elephant.