Care homes should have been more careful of coronavirus than I f**king was, says Johnson

THE prime minister has criticised care homes for not following coronavirus prevention procedures, much like a dickhead called Boris Johnson. 

Johnson, wearing hi-viz because he thinks that makes Britain like him, told care homes that they had no excuse for being cavalier about the risks after he demonstrated the risks of being cavalier.

He said: “They should have worn the PPE they didn’t have, should have taken the tests that weren’t available, and should have refused to take the infected patients we sent them.

“Coronavirus is very dangerous. I myself was admitted to intensive care because I ignored all medical advice around it, much as I am doing now.

“There is absolutely no excuse for not doing the right thing, unless you wish to exploit the ‘exceptional circumstances’ clause to drive to Durham in which case no problem.

“Consequently there were a number of regrettable circumstances in care homes which could easily have been avoided if the senior citizens involved had merely travelled to Greece via Bulgaria to stay in their mountain villa.

“I look forward to repeating this at the upcoming public inquiry, chaired by one of my mates, the report from which will be delayed and buried. Thank you.”

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Tub of butter approaching 50 per cent toast crumbs

A TUB of Lurpak in a family fridge has almost reached the stage of being officially half-butter, half-toast crumbs, it has emerged.

The spread has been in use for ten days and, thanks to a rigorous programme of post-toast knife scraping, is now practically a meal in itself.

Joe Turner said: “The situation just keeps getting worse. If you are careful with your knife you can sometimes skirt around the crumbs, but frankly soon you’ll need the precision of an experienced brain surgeon.

“The ratio, especially after the teenagers have their toast at 2am, has skyrocketed. You couldn’t use this butter for anything else now. It’s too black and gritty.

“God, imagine using it for scrambled eggs. Sure, eggs on toast is fine, but toast ‘in’ eggs? Something about that seems dirty and wrong to me.

“It gets to a point where you’re basically just spreading toast on toast. Or I should get another tub of butter to spread on this butter. But that’d just begin the whole shameful cycle all over again.”