Sunday, 9th August 2020

Five guaranteed ways to be a twat in a park

BRITAIN’S most exciting new post-lockdown hobby is being a twat in a park. Here’s how to ignore social distancing, intimidate people and generally play the arsehole. 

Pretend to be a gang

You and your mates are neither the Crips nor the Bloods, but there’s no harm in engaging in a bit of live-action roleplay. Act hard and menacing and try not to look intimidated when a retired PE teacher tells you to turn that f**king music down.

Be very drunk

A plastic cup or two Pimm’s in the park is delightful, but how about massively overdoing it? If you’re surrounded by 200 empty Stella cans, shouting wildly at passing strangers and taking a dump on a children’s roundabout, you have consumed the right amount of alcohol.

Drop all the litter

If you haven’t got enough cans, sandwich boxes and Magnum wrappers, consider looting the nearest builder’s skip and chuck bits of plasterboard and ancient carpet everywhere. Then be the sort of arsewit who says, ‘Keeps people in a job tidying it up, innit?’

Have a shit mini-festival

A Bluetooth speaker and your mate on his phone is practically an open-air rave. He’ll love having a good masturbation session on the ‘decks’, mixing hours of indistinguishable techno and/or grime with a pompous look of concentration on his face, so take earbuds if you want to listen to something decent.

Bring your twat dog

Your dog should be a twat in its own right, ideally a stocky little bastard riled up by half-arsed guard dog training. However other dogs can work just as well; any breed that lays enormous turds is good, or even a cute and harmless spaniel, if it barks ceaselessly and leaps up at everyone while you say ‘He’s just playing a game!’