Carrie and I need a separate house just for parties: Johnson's lessons learned from the Sue Gray report

I, BORIS Johnson, have vowed before the Commons and the nation to implement solutions to Sue Gray’s findings. Here they are as I understand them:

Carrie and I should have a separate house just for parties

It’s crystal clear in Sue Gray’s report that lines have been blurred between Downing Street as a home and office. The clear solution is for the nation to acquire a London townhouse for our permanent personal and recreation use where we can entertain away from boring paperwork. I am releasing £4,250,000 for this purpose.

Downing Street should have a bar

The drinking culture at Downing Street is not becoming of such a high office. Heading to the off-license with a suitcase? The nation is right to be ashamed. We must rectify the issue by coverting half the building into a bar which opens until 3am nightly. Drinks will be on the taxpayer.

I am overworked

My extreme state of overwork during lockdown left me so distracted I failed to notice at least six parties, and the rest. I will devolve these responsibilities to a new Office for the Prime Minister full of civil servants who can be readily fired.

£100 fines are a suitable punishment

Members of the public who breached lockdown laws, apart from an unlucky few randomly stung for ten grand, were punished with £100 fines. The police should treat me and my staff just as they treated them, without favour or mercy. Other that it remain secret and a Tory donor pays.

I am delivering for Britain

In the back of the Sue Gray update, there were two pages the media claimed were blank. Pifflecock. They were packed with praise about the brilliant job I am doing for this country, and I saw her objective, accurate assessment of the vaccine rollout and my brilliant Brexit and how great I am with my own eyes.

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Snog Marry Avoid? and Tittybangbang: how BBC3 was the greatest channel ever

BBC3 is back on TV after years as a sort of online thing. The channel’s millions of fans pay tribute to its legendary high-quality programming:

“What TV needed in the 2000s was more annoying exhibitionists and fake tan morons, and Snog Marry Avoid? delivered them by the truckload. I watched every episode until my doctor warned my brain was shutting down. It was presented by one of Atomic Kitten but nobody knows which one.”

Lucy, Bicester

“I’d always found Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps too cerebral and highbrow so Coming of Age was perfect, with its mind-deadening treadmill of puerile gags about excrement, ejaculation and the name ‘Fanny’. I’m laughing now.”

Liam, Llangollen

“Probably the most powerful documentary of the 21st century was I Believe in UFOs: Danny Dyer. A proper bloke skimming through some old UFO ‘evidence’ and meeting the usual cranks. His hard-hitting conclusion? Aliens probably haven’t visited us. Superb factual programming from BBC3.”

Tom, Cleethorpes

“American Dad was great. I’d been waiting all my life for a lame rehash of Family Guy by the same people, and this fulfilled all my expectations. Which were: the wife’s gone to bed but I need something to watch while I have another can.”

Lauren, Airdrie

“I loved Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents, where young people trying to get laid on holiday were spied on by their mum and dad in a f**ked-up Freudian nightmare. It was hilarious and in no way exploitative shit with the hook of teenagers knobbing.”

Simon, Loughborough

“Like all Stacey Dooley’s documentaries, Blood, Sweat and T-shirts really opened my eyes. Never in a million years would I have guessed the Asian clothing industry exploited workers. It certainly seemed news to celebrated documentarian Stacey.”

Leanne, Hythe

“Torchwood had the thought-provoking concepts sci-fi fans demand: cyberwomen with tits, cannibal hillbillies and gays. Forget your Kurt Vonnegut and Samuel R Delaney, I’ll stick with a live-action Scooby-Doo in bloody Wales.”

Wayne, Chertsey