I, BORIS Johnson, have vowed before the Commons and the nation to implement solutions to Sue Gray’s findings. Here they are as I understand them:
Carrie and I should have a separate house just for parties
It’s crystal clear in Sue Gray’s report that lines have been blurred between Downing Street as a home and office. The clear solution is for the nation to acquire a London townhouse for our permanent personal and recreation use where we can entertain away from boring paperwork. I am releasing £4,250,000 for this purpose.
Downing Street should have a bar
The drinking culture at Downing Street is not becoming of such a high office. Heading to the off-license with a suitcase? The nation is right to be ashamed. We must rectify the issue by coverting half the building into a bar which opens until 3am nightly. Drinks will be on the taxpayer.
I am overworked
My extreme state of overwork during lockdown left me so distracted I failed to notice at least six parties, and the rest. I will devolve these responsibilities to a new Office for the Prime Minister full of civil servants who can be readily fired.
£100 fines are a suitable punishment
Members of the public who breached lockdown laws, apart from an unlucky few randomly stung for ten grand, were punished with £100 fines. The police should treat me and my staff just as they treated them, without favour or mercy. Other that it remain secret and a Tory donor pays.
I am delivering for Britain
In the back of the Sue Gray update, there were two pages the media claimed were blank. Pifflecock. They were packed with praise about the brilliant job I am doing for this country, and I saw her objective, accurate assessment of the vaccine rollout and my brilliant Brexit and how great I am with my own eyes.