Convicts would vote Tory

PRISONERS given the vote would unanimously vote Conservative, they have confirmed. 

Men with teardrops biro-tattooed on their faces pledged their support for government policies including the decriminalisation of shoplifting and widespread, unregulated Covid fraud.

Convicted drug dealer Nathan Muir said: “Tory policies may not be popular with the public at large, but they’re a big hit with the average short-timer slopping out on Cell Block D.

“Open tolerance of tax evasion? Underfunding the justice system? Making cigs illegal to provide us with an extra income stream? What’s not to like?

“They understand the needs of the small businessman struggling with the realities of running a citywide cocaine distribution network. Honestly I think Rishi missed his calling there.”

HMP Belmarsh Governor Norman Steele said: “It’s hardly surprising, since the boys in here hate paedophiles, hate foreigners and believe in grabbing as much cash as they can and bugger everyone else.

“Plus a few of the older lags remember what perfect gentlemen Jonathan Aitken and Lord Archer were, all helpful and clever like Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption.

“The only exceptions are the Category A prisoners in maximum security. They’re a right bunch of f**king headcases, so they’re solidly behind Reform.”

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The seven worst things you're ready to believe about David and Victoria Beckham

A NEW biography of the Beckhams attempts to dish the dirt but manages nothing but rehashing old tabloid stories. A shame, when we’re prepared to believe all this: 

They intended to sell at least one baby

After establishing the Beckham Infants brand with Brooklyn, the other children were bred for sale. Intending to start the bidding at $22 million for Romeo, the scheduled Sotheby’s auction was cancelled after the belated discovery that Kim Jong-il was the highest and only bidder, offering $2 billion.

They drafted Katie and Peter as surrogates

Sick of scrutiny and keen to keep their Satanic orgies away from the press, Posh and Becks hit on the devious plan of creating a couple like them but much worse to take all the tabloid heat. Hypnotising Peter Andre into falling in love with Jordan created the perfect shield at the cost of two ruined lives.

She hasn’t eaten since 1998

Victoria Beckham was always disgusted with herself for consuming food in order to replenish her body’s energy and gave it up in 1998. She died the following year but took it in her stride and returned to life, of a sort, in September 2001 after the enactment of a ritual.

He had more than seven million affairs

During his sexual pomp, between the Treble win of 1999 and leaving for Los Angeles in 2007, David Beckham slept with 7,137,648 women of child-bearing age behind his wife’s back. He sired roughly a million love children, notably including Leo Blair, Phil Foden, Millie Bobby Brown and US rapper Lil Pump.

Posh bullied Baby into seclusion

Ever wonder, when Mels B and C are on Gogglebox, Geri’s trackside at Formula 1 and Victoria’s on Netflix, what happened to Baby Spice? She was bullied out of the public eye by her monstrous bandmate, who pulled her pigtails, locked her in cupboards and addicted her to tranquillisers. Three decades on she’s still afraid to leave the house.

Each one of his tattoos is a trapped human soul

Beginning with his wife and then his children, Beckham began to devour souls in return for dead-ball ability. Every inked image is a human life writhing beneath his skin, begging to escape, damned to hell. And there’s a lot of ink.

They were the sunshine of our lives

The Beckhams left for the US in the summer of 2007. Tony Blair quit that same summer, miserable Gordon Brown replaced him, the world economy collapsed and since then we’ve had Brexit, Trump, Johnson and 14 years of Tory rule. Everything went to shit when they f**ked off. Please come back.