Corbyn still thinks the internet is educational

JEREMY Corbyn is promising the nation free broadband because he still believes the internet is an educational tool, it has emerged. 

Shadow cabinet members admitted that Corbyn believes the internet is mainly used for distance learning and online encyclopedias, and no one has had the heart to correct him. 

Business secretary Rebecca Long-Bailey said: “It’s like, if he’s managed to remain innocent about the open digital sewer which is the internet, why should we be the ones to spoil it? 

“The internet is the greatest technological development of our generation. It should be used to make the world a better place. It’s not Jeremy’s fault that it’s exactly the opposite. 

“I had a report in front of me saying that 95 per cent of internet use is pornography, trolling, Instagram bullying and 12-year-olds calling each other gay on Fortnite, but he wouldn’t even understand any of those things. 

“He’s like the harassed teacher from 1982 who let us endlessly play Candyfloss on the BBC Micro because he thought we were learning. Why shatter his illusions?” 

Corbyn said: “I also think these smartphones are a marvellous idea. Tell me, how exactly do they make you smarter?”

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Man thinks it's cool to say his girlfriend lets him do things

A MAN is under the impression it is cool to pretend his girlfriend is the boss of him.

Wayne Hayes frequently says things like “I’ll have to check with the missus” and “I’ll see if I’m allowed” even though his partner does not really care what he gets up to.

Hayes, 33, said: “I’ve been given permission to to go for a drink with my mate Paul on Saturday. Looks like I’m off the leash!”

However Hayes’ partner Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve overheard Wayne saying he needs to ask me before going out for a drink. No, he doesn’t. He’s a grown man. I’ve no idea where he gets this from.”

Friends verified that Hayes’ actions make him seem immensely feeble and somehow chauvinistic at the same time. They went on to say that, after asking him, it turned out he had never not been allowed to do things.

Hayes added: “It’s cool to seem like you’re henpecked and in fear of your girlfriend. I’ve seen it on classic American sitcoms so it must be true.”