Worried mum finds Tory manifesto stashed under son's mattress

A MOTHER has been left concerned after finding a copy of the Conservative manifesto hidden under her son’s mattress.

51-year-old Mary Cook was cleaning her 14-year-old son Julian’s room when she noticed something hard and shiny stashed in the bed.

Cook said: “At first I assumed it was a porn mag, which would have been fine although a little old-fashioned. Then I read the cover which was blue and had some bullshit in boring-looking writing. That’s odd, I thought.

“I opened it up and there was a picture of Boris Johnson standing in front of a banner. I just sat down on the bed, feeling numb.”

Cook later confronted her son, saying that it was normal and healthy to be curious about politics but he should talk to her if he feels confused.

Julian Cook said: “Only Boris has the best Brexit deal for Britain, ensuring a prosperous future where the hard-working will thrive.

“Also, I am in love with Priti Patel and last night I had a dream where we went to a farm and stroked a goat.”

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How to be a friend who gives sh*t advice

WOULD you like to be one of those annoying friends who gives terrible advice about situations you don’t understand? Follow this guide.

Encourage friends to make stupid changes in their life

If a friend is temporarily feeling down about things, wholeheartedly support any daft idea they are toying with. If they set up a doomed business selling their own soup or fly to South America to become a cocaine baron, you’ve really helped them make a change in their life.

Give them bolshy advice about work problems

Encourage a friend who’s having minor work hassles to angrily confront their boss and tell them they are “not taking any more sh*t”. This is unlikely to resolve the issue, but is likely to result in them being considered an unstable nutter and a perfect candidate for the next round of downsizing.

Never offer constructive criticism

If your friend keeps sending you their derivative sci-fi stories or invites you to look at their terrible paintings, assure them they are all fantastic. A true friend always encourages you to waste your life on total cr*p.

Give Trisha-style relationship advice 

If you don’t know the intricacies of someone’s relationship you should be cautious about giving advice. But f**k that and jump in with confident statements such as: 

“You need a clean break.”

“He’s clearly a narcissist.”

“She’s probably cheating on you, mate.”

“Go out with that guy you barely know at the gym!”

Make your friend overestimate their abilities

Encourage them to possibly die after taking on a marathon when they’re just a casual jogger, or apply for internal promotions they’re massively underqualified for, resulting in them looking like a deluded twat. It’s what friends are for.