HAVE you got what it takes to be the next ambitious twat to pick up the poison chalice of Brexit? Take our quiz and find out.
Do you own a sharp suit?
A Brexit secretary must look smart and professional. This will buy you time before everyone realises you’re a bit dense with a crap 2:2 in English from Oxford.
Do you like doing things you later regret?
Maybe you insist on going to parties that are clearly going to be shit then wish you’d stayed at home eating crisps? Or perhaps you once put your penis in a vacuum cleaner and had to go to A&E? You could be Brexit minister material.
Are you all mouth and no trousers?
Do you like sounding off about things but never actually doing anything? This will come in handy when you need to make offensive comments about the EU, eg. “Britain will be making a ‘GREAT ESCAPE’ from the EU! See what I did there?”
Do you like pretending to read things?
Do you carry an impressive-looking novel around but never actually read it? This will be a useful skill when you can’t be arsed to read any Brexit documents then wonder why clever Monsieur Barnier is looking at you like an idiot.
Have you ever bought an Ikea wardrobe and realised you are hopelessly out of your depth?
If you’re not up to the slightly complex task of assembling flat-pack furniture you’re not going to stand a chance with EU regulations. Luckily the government is extremely desperate, so get your job application in now.
If you answered mainly ‘yes’ you could have a great career as Brexit secretary. By which we mean you’ll faff about for a bit then resign when you realise it’s all going wrong and you might get strung from a lamp post at your next constituency surgery.