Could you be the next useless Brexit secretary?

HAVE you got what it takes to be the next ambitious twat to pick up the poison chalice of Brexit? Take our quiz and find out.

Do you own a sharp suit?

A Brexit secretary must look smart and professional. This will buy you time before everyone realises you’re a bit dense with a crap 2:2 in English from Oxford.

Do you like doing things you later regret?

Maybe you insist on going to parties that are clearly going to be shit then wish you’d stayed at home eating crisps? Or perhaps you once put your penis in a vacuum cleaner and had to go to A&E? You could be Brexit minister material.

Are you all mouth and no trousers?

Do you like sounding off about things but never actually doing anything? This will come in handy when you need to make offensive comments about the EU, eg. “Britain will be making a ‘GREAT ESCAPE’ from the EU! See what I did there?”

Do you like pretending to read things?

Do you carry an impressive-looking novel around but never actually read it? This will be a useful skill when you can’t be arsed to read any Brexit documents then wonder why clever Monsieur Barnier is looking at you like an idiot.

Have you ever bought an Ikea wardrobe and realised you are hopelessly out of your depth?

If you’re not up to the slightly complex task of assembling flat-pack furniture you’re not going to stand a chance with EU regulations. Luckily the government is extremely desperate, so get your job application in now.

If you answered mainly ‘yes’ you could have a great career as Brexit secretary. By which we mean you’ll faff about for a bit then resign when you realise it’s all going wrong and you might get strung from a lamp post at your next constituency surgery.


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Dad determined to burn things that could just go in the rubbish

A DAD inexplicably keeps having unnecessary bonfires of items that could simply be put in one of the wheelie bins.

Family members have speculated that Roy Hobbs’ pyres of twigs, cardboard and frequently plastics may not be motivated by a simple desire to get rid of rubbish.

Wife Vanessa said: “Roy’s always looking for things to burn. I can’t see the point of having a recycling bin when he loots it for the ‘best’ bits of cardboard for his pointless fires.

“Once when he’d burnt all the twigs and leaves out of the garden bin he said he was going to try burning soil. He looked so disappointed when I made him put the paraffin back in the shed.

“I think it’s some weird male thing, or a genetic memory of being a caveman protecting his tribe with fire. I bet they didn’t burn a load of old carpet right next to the fucking washing though.”

Hobbs said: “I don’t get some sort of weird thrill out of my occasional twice-weekly fires. They’re just a sensible way of stopping the recycling bin getting too full.

“I am like Vulcan, Roman god of fire, purging the earth with my mighty powers of incineration. Did I just say that out loud?”