Devil retires

His Satanic Majesty the Lord of Lies, Ruler of Hades and King of All Earthly Evil has announced he is stepping down as Fox and News International chairman. 

The Great Beast has handed the key to the infernal realms where sinners suffer eternally in an endless fire over to his Son, The Prophesied One who will end Creation.

Briton Emma Bradford, one of the souls forever twisting in the fire of suffering under his scalding hoof, lives in Nottingham and reads the Times. She said: “Wow, it’s just like Succession.

“Apparently this place, heaven’s dark shadow, used to be alright until his black Sun held dominion everywhere and corrupted all its rays touched with its pitiless glare, and had tits on Page 3.

“I wonder if this new ruler will be any more belevolent? Or if he too will hate the damned who dwell here, and in the US and Australia, and sentence us to agonising torture and Tories?

“And what does the Devil do when he retires? He can’t possibly die. We all know he’s well beyond that.”

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Well, it's like this, says father as he tries, and fails, to explain Shakin' Stevens

A FATHER has struggled to explain to his teenage children the success of 1980s retro rock’n’roller Shakin’ Stevens.

Tom Logan, a pop fan from the Shaky era who even bought a couple of his singles himself, was shocked when his teenagers showed him a YouTube compilation of the Welsh rocker’s greatest hits.

Logan said: “I felt like a war criminal being confronted with evidence of his atrocities. They looked at me with undisguised disgust. How could I have played my part in allowing Shakin’ Stevens to flourish?

“I tried to argue that was the style of the time but that’s a total lie. The style was synthpop – Soft Cell, The Human League, Depeche Mode. You know, good music. Shaky was, basically a homeopathic dilution of 50s rock’n’roll aimed at God knows who.

“That said, he had some catchy tunes and he could swing his hips like Elvis. In fact, exactly like Elvis, who he pinched it from.

“But my kids weren’t having it. They said listening to simpleminded rubbish from an idealised past that never existed softened the brains of my whole generation, making us vote for Margaret Thatcher and plunging future generations into a permanent political hell of austerity and neoliberalism.

“I think actually I just liked Green Door because I was 11 and didn’t know any better.”