Meat tax calculator: How many thousands are you set to save?

THE prime minister has scrapped the meat tax that definitely existed, but how much are you set to save? Find out with this calculator.

A daily Greggs sausage roll lunch

These may be filled with mechanically-recovered offal from Greggs’ industrial mincers, but they were still technically covered by the meat tax. And given that you wolf down two every lunchtime because they’re always on special offer, the pennies soon start adding up. Now the meat tax is over though you can buy a house, or put your savings towards a couple of superyachts.

Total lifetime saving: £150,000

The weekly anaemic chicken from Asda

Time was, slinging pale fillets of bird meat into your Asda shopping trolley filled you with dread. Not only did they taste of f**k all, but thanks to the meat tax you were shelling out a fortune for the privilege of munching on watery breast tissue. Thanks to our heroic leader cutting through all the red tape, the only thing you have to pretend to care about now is whether or not they were free range.

Total lifetime saving: £225,000

All those late-night fish finger sandwiches

Just because they’re made of seafood and you sneak downstairs to eat them during the middle of the night doesn’t mean your secret fish finger sandwiches escaped the beady eyes of the meat tax man. He saw you. He knew what you are up to. But now he’s powerless to do anything about it. Cheers to you, Rishi, you truly are a man of the people.

Total lifetime saving: £275,000

A big slap-up Sunday roast

Sundays wouldn’t be Sundays without a huge hunk of beef on the dinner table waiting to be carved by the man of the house as society, and indeed the laws of nature, dictate. Rishi understands these immutable forces of the universe, and that’s why he’s doing you a favour by making it more affordable. The only people looking this gift horse in the mouth are woke vegan intellectuals, who must be destroyed.

Total lifetime saving: £435,000

Your annual gorging on pigs in blankets

This is where you’ll make your biggest saving. Each year you wisely put aside every spare penny so you can afford a blowout feast of sausages wrapped in bacon, the thought of greedily guzzling them from a big trough in your living room – as is traditional – filling you with excitement. It used to nearly bankrupt you, but it was always worth it to see the look on your kids’ faces when they woke up and saw the meaty nirvana you had provided.

Total lifetime saving: £1,000,000,000

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You don't have to do the walk of shame: Reasons why a wank is better than a one-night stand

DESPERATE to get your rocks off? Here’s why a good wank is a lot less hassle than a one-night stand.

Breakfast won’t be awkward

Even if you ravenously fancied your one-night stand in the pub last night, there’s no way the morning won’t be awkward, because you’ve seen their genitals in great detail but can’t quite recall their name. There’s no way that will happen with masturbation. It’s hard to forget the name ‘Rampant Rabbit’.

You don’t have to do the walk of shame

Even if the sex isn’t a miserable disappointment, you’ve either got to get a stranger out of the house before your flatmate wakes up, or do the walk of shame back to your own house. No worries about that with a hand shandy, unless you’ve done it in a public place, in which case your walk of shame will be straight into a police cell.

You won’t bitterly regret it

Whether it’s because you’ve caught an STD or you’ve done it with your best mate’s ex, there are plenty of reasons you could end up regretting a one-night stand. However, there are zero consequences when it comes to having a wank, unless your mum walks in on you. Then you’ll have to go through the rigmarole of moving out and never seeing her again.

You won’t embarrass yourself

Too nervous to get it up? So pissed you were sick on him during a blowjob? There are myriad ways to be terrible in bed during a one-night stand, which is even more humiliating if you were hoping it would turn into something more. No chance of that with your hand. Unless it slips while holding your phone and you accidentally text the weird porn you’re watching to your boss.

You’ll be a lot more sexually satisfied

Even the most skilled lover will struggle to sexually satisfy someone they met outside a club toilet after sinking nine pints, so don’t bother going home with them. Get back to the safety of your own bedroom and frig yourself into heaven. Tomorrow you will be eternally grateful. Why not thank yourself for an amazing night?