THE prime minister has scrapped the meat tax that definitely existed, but how much are you set to save? Find out with this calculator.
A daily Greggs sausage roll lunch
These may be filled with mechanically-recovered offal from Greggs’ industrial mincers, but they were still technically covered by the meat tax. And given that you wolf down two every lunchtime because they’re always on special offer, the pennies soon start adding up. Now the meat tax is over though you can buy a house, or put your savings towards a couple of superyachts.
Total lifetime saving: £150,000
The weekly anaemic chicken from Asda
Time was, slinging pale fillets of bird meat into your Asda shopping trolley filled you with dread. Not only did they taste of f**k all, but thanks to the meat tax you were shelling out a fortune for the privilege of munching on watery breast tissue. Thanks to our heroic leader cutting through all the red tape, the only thing you have to pretend to care about now is whether or not they were free range.
Total lifetime saving: £225,000
All those late-night fish finger sandwiches
Just because they’re made of seafood and you sneak downstairs to eat them during the middle of the night doesn’t mean your secret fish finger sandwiches escaped the beady eyes of the meat tax man. He saw you. He knew what you are up to. But now he’s powerless to do anything about it. Cheers to you, Rishi, you truly are a man of the people.
Total lifetime saving: £275,000
A big slap-up Sunday roast
Sundays wouldn’t be Sundays without a huge hunk of beef on the dinner table waiting to be carved by the man of the house as society, and indeed the laws of nature, dictate. Rishi understands these immutable forces of the universe, and that’s why he’s doing you a favour by making it more affordable. The only people looking this gift horse in the mouth are woke vegan intellectuals, who must be destroyed.
Total lifetime saving: £435,000
Your annual gorging on pigs in blankets
This is where you’ll make your biggest saving. Each year you wisely put aside every spare penny so you can afford a blowout feast of sausages wrapped in bacon, the thought of greedily guzzling them from a big trough in your living room – as is traditional – filling you with excitement. It used to nearly bankrupt you, but it was always worth it to see the look on your kids’ faces when they woke up and saw the meaty nirvana you had provided.
Total lifetime saving: £1,000,000,000