Six imaginary people who are absolutely delighted by Sunak's green U-turn

THE Conservatives’ new net zero targets are a huge hit with these people who do not exist but should:

Steve Malley, 42, planning to buy new diesel car in 2031

“Like most people I plan my car purchases at least eight years in advance and I never buy second-hand. Why would you? It’s like burning money. So the fact I’d not be able to get the diesel I was planning – I’ve also picked out the make, model and colour – properly vexed me. Thank God that worry’s over, unless Labour get in.

Norman Steele, 62, scared of bins

“They’re coming for us with their flappy lids. We should never have given them wheels. They trundle closer every night, lids gaping, ready to turn us all into rubbish. I only have three so I can just about fight them off, but with seven I’d be overwhelmed. Sunak has literally saved us all. Unless Labour get in.”

Eleanor Shaw, 28, concerned about her landlord’s energy efficiency costs

“My flat’s freezing in winter, so my landlord was going to have to insulate it from 2025. That’s been hanging over me because I know he’d just put the extra onto the rent, whereas currently it’s my choice whether to heat or not and that’s the kind of freedom the Tories are all for. I’m so lucky they’re fighting my corner.”

Carolyn Ryan, 36, confident gas prices will be stable forever

“I’m ever so fond of my gas boiler. I’ve put googly eyes on it and I call it Nadine. It’s due to break in exactly 13 years time – well you just know these things, don’t you, it’s like a sixth sense – and I didn’t want to replace it with a nasty heat pump because I like gas and I can’t imagine it ever going up in price, what with the world being so stable.”

Lucy Parry, 23, does not want strangers in her car

“Under Labour plans they deny exist, I wouldn’t have been allowed to make even the shortest journey without three strangers in my car. I’d have to take people to Asda who didn’t even want to go to Asda, picking up hitch-hikers would be mandatory, and I wouldn’t be able to choose my own tunes. That’s fascism like the Nazis.”

Joseph Turner, 48, helicopter pilot

“For the hard-working commercial helicopter pilot this is fantastic news. I make a solid living flying this little millionaire bloke around the UK and it bloody burns fuel so anything putting off all the green shit’s good news for me. Mind you it’s only postponing the inevitable because there’s no way the short-arse will win an election.”

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Man who says sleeping girlfriend 'looks like an angel' lying

A MAN is lying when he tells his girlfriend she looks ‘angelic’ while asleep, feeling she more closely resembles a dead animal.

Jack Browne, 33, has repeatedly told girlfriend Lauren Hewitt, 31, she looks like a beautiful angel while asleep, when actually he has a mental image of a dead sheep or splayed roadkill.

Browne said: “Last week I told her that ancient Greek sculptors would have modelled Aphrodite on her sleeping face. I didn’t say ‘or the slumped corpse of a fox that’s been hit by a Kia Sportage’.

“There’s something about the way her mouth hangs open that’s reminiscent of a dead cow. And the way her limbs stick out at odd angles is a dead ringer for a squished pigeon.

“If she looks like an angel, it’s one of those Biblically accurate ones with 18 eyes and the gaping maw of a lion. It’s a f**king miracle I can get to sleep.”

Hewitt is unaware that Browne has several pictures of her sleeping, which he keeps in a folder entitled ‘Lauren’s Sleeping Gurning Drooling Mug’ and considered posting to her Facebook wall on her birthday as a joke, but luckily decided against.

Hewitt said: “Jack’s endless stream of lovely compliments have given me the confidence to apply to be a model for Dreams, the mattress company. It would be wrong to waste the gift of my natural beauty.”

Browne said: “Good luck with that. I think a more realistic option might be a corpse on a slab in Silent Witness.”