THE Conservatives’ new net zero targets are a huge hit with these people who do not exist but should:
Steve Malley, 42, planning to buy new diesel car in 2031
“Like most people I plan my car purchases at least eight years in advance and I never buy second-hand. Why would you? It’s like burning money. So the fact I’d not be able to get the diesel I was planning – I’ve also picked out the make, model and colour – properly vexed me. Thank God that worry’s over, unless Labour get in.
Norman Steele, 62, scared of bins
“They’re coming for us with their flappy lids. We should never have given them wheels. They trundle closer every night, lids gaping, ready to turn us all into rubbish. I only have three so I can just about fight them off, but with seven I’d be overwhelmed. Sunak has literally saved us all. Unless Labour get in.”
Eleanor Shaw, 28, concerned about her landlord’s energy efficiency costs
“My flat’s freezing in winter, so my landlord was going to have to insulate it from 2025. That’s been hanging over me because I know he’d just put the extra onto the rent, whereas currently it’s my choice whether to heat or not and that’s the kind of freedom the Tories are all for. I’m so lucky they’re fighting my corner.”
Carolyn Ryan, 36, confident gas prices will be stable forever
“I’m ever so fond of my gas boiler. I’ve put googly eyes on it and I call it Nadine. It’s due to break in exactly 13 years time – well you just know these things, don’t you, it’s like a sixth sense – and I didn’t want to replace it with a nasty heat pump because I like gas and I can’t imagine it ever going up in price, what with the world being so stable.”
Lucy Parry, 23, does not want strangers in her car
“Under Labour plans they deny exist, I wouldn’t have been allowed to make even the shortest journey without three strangers in my car. I’d have to take people to Asda who didn’t even want to go to Asda, picking up hitch-hikers would be mandatory, and I wouldn’t be able to choose my own tunes. That’s fascism like the Nazis.”
Joseph Turner, 48, helicopter pilot
“For the hard-working commercial helicopter pilot this is fantastic news. I make a solid living flying this little millionaire bloke around the UK and it bloody burns fuel so anything putting off all the green shit’s good news for me. Mind you it’s only postponing the inevitable because there’s no way the short-arse will win an election.”
