Dinosaurs extinct because they voted Tory

SCIENTISTS have discovered the extinction of the dinosaurs was caused by their continuous election of Conservative governments.

The Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event, which took place 66 million years ago, has been blamed on an asteroid but was actually caused by between 12 and 15 years of Tory government.

Archaeologist Joseph Turner explained: “The discovery of Torysaurus inutilis, a kind of bloated T-rex without the ability to feed itself, led to a new theory of extinction.

“These dinosaurs ruled a society based on a self-destructive form of democracy, where through domination of prehistoric media the velociraptors and brotosaurs were persuaded to continuously back them against their own economic interests.

“The ruling elite made everything worse, consuming all resources and leaving those who supported them unable to heat themselves or to travel to other regions but voting Tory anyway through fear of what would happen if they didn’t.

“The last of the species reigned supreme, but with no rivals, no possible mates and arms to short to perform any function, caused the extinction of every other dinosaur by selfish, idiot greed. The real asteroid was being shit-thick.

“I don’t think there’s too much to learn from this. We’re probably fine continuing as we are.”

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New couple wondering if they're ready to have first date without alcohol

A COUPLE who have been seeing each other for several weeks are deciding if they are ready to spend time together while not absolutely pissed.

Lauren Hewitt and James Bates are tentatively aiming to be sober when they next meet up, having spent previous dates getting shitfaced and slurring nonsense at each other.

Hewitt said: “It’s a big step for any new couple, hanging out without being drunk and discovering just how tedious we find each other.

“But it’s important that James gets to know the real me, and not the one who has just necked an entire pitcher of Long Island iced tea and is calling the staff at Wetherspoons wankers because they won’t put ‘Mr Brightside’ on, even though they have a no music policy.”

Bates said: “I must admit I’m nervous about taking this leap. I’m at my most confident after five pints of Grolsch, and I’m sure I’m much better looking in Lauren’s eyes when she’s got her beer goggles on.

“My other worry is that she’ll be able to remember what the sex is like if we’re not hammered. So I suspect that, once she’s soberly experienced my fumblings in the vague direction of her clitoris followed by a 90-second shag, she’ll be keen to get back on the sauce.”