Friday, 28th February 2020

Don't make me get my hands dirty you slags, says Queen

THE Queen has warned that if she has to step in and sort out this whole Brexit mess then Britain will bloody well know about it.

Her Majesty has issued politicians with a vague threat to “seek out common ground” which, she clarified, means they have one month before she starts banging heads together.

The matriarch of the family known as ‘The Firm’ said: “I’ve never balked at my ceremonial role. But force me to act, and things could get a little bit nasty.

“Suspend Parliament? More like dissolved for good, and every single one of those useless bastards locked up at My Pleasure. Stripping of citizenship to follow.

“As commander in chief of the armed forces, I’ll head a ‘delegation’ to Brussels to get us what we need. We’ll be tooled up, naturally.

“And as supreme governor of the Church of England, anyone who tries standing in my way goes straight to hell. I bet you didn’t know I could do that, but I can.

“After that you can have your ‘democracy’ back. Once you’ve been reminded who’s the daddy round here.”