Don't make me get my hands dirty you slags, says Queen

THE Queen has warned that if she has to step in and sort out this whole Brexit mess then Britain will bloody well know about it.

Her Majesty has issued politicians with a vague threat to “seek out common ground” which, she clarified, means they have one month before she starts banging heads together.

The matriarch of the family known as ‘The Firm’ said: “I’ve never balked at my ceremonial role. But force me to act, and things could get a little bit nasty.

“Suspend Parliament? More like dissolved for good, and every single one of those useless bastards locked up at My Pleasure. Stripping of citizenship to follow.

“As commander in chief of the armed forces, I’ll head a ‘delegation’ to Brussels to get us what we need. We’ll be tooled up, naturally.

“And as supreme governor of the Church of England, anyone who tries standing in my way goes straight to hell. I bet you didn’t know I could do that, but I can.

“After that you can have your ‘democracy’ back. Once you’ve been reminded who’s the daddy round here.”

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Five vegetarian cooking tips that defeat the point of eating vegetables

DO you want to perk up your vegetarian meals in a way that instantly cancels out the benefits of eating vegetables? Try these cooking techniques.

Add plenty of the vegetarian chef’s ‘secret ingredient’

Otherwise known as salt. The sad fact about vegetables is they often taste of water, blandness or cabbage. However salt makes everything taste better. Salt is fantastic, apart from making your heart explode.

Add a shitload of cheese

Cheese is so nice you could put it on a brick and it would be tempting to eat, which is why people put it on vegetables. However, don’t be surprised when all that healthy veg you’re eating makes you mysteriously chubby.

Many vegetarians are so dependent on cheese they may as well be called ‘cheesarians’, especially as their bodies are now 80% cholesterol.

Smother them in creamy sauce

Unfortunately creamy, cheesy, buttery sauces are so bad for you it makes eating healthy vegetables pointless. This is what scientists call ‘the cauliflower cheese paradox’.

Dip them in what is essentially sugar and fat

While crudités and dips seem good for you, if you’re dipping them into condiments like ranch dressing or honey mustard sauce, you might as well be enjoying that carrot stick with a dollop of Golden Syrup and some beef dripping.

To really cancel out the health benefits of raw vegetables, make sure you scoop up four times as much dipping sauce as vegetable.

Tempura everything

Covering something in batter and cooking it in boiling fat is fairly calorific whether it’s broccoli or a questionable chip shop sausage. But if you call it ‘tempura’ it’s clearly totally different to common people’s ‘deep fat frying’.