Man in shock after watching ITV for first time in ages

A MAN experienced what he described as ‘cultural brain damage’ after being accidentally exposed to ITV for the first time in years.

After his internet went down, Martin Bishop found himself at the mercy of the actual live schedules. Landing on ITV, he then became transfixed with horror.

Bishop said: “I used to think Channel 4 had dumbed down when they started showing things like Location, Location, Location. That’s like an Ingmar Bergman season compared to ITV.

“It’s got cookery shows, but they’re like shitter versions of cookery shows that were shit to begin with. And did you know they’re actually running a rebooted version of Through The Keyhole?

Emmerdale is no longer a study of rural life but some sort of extended Snapchat. And why don’t they just make one programme called Generic Crime Drama and repeat it endlessly? I don’t think anyone would notice.

“And as for the poor saps who still watch the late-night money-grubbing ‘roulette’ show, I can only weep genuine tears.”

An ITV spokesman apologised for the unchallenging fare and said he hoped Mr Bishop would enjoy the new Sheridan Smith drama Ordinary Person Like You Makes a Lot of Money.



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'Daddy, what's a f**kstick?': Your guide to Brexit profanities

‘SHOWER of twats’, ‘Mr Eurodick’, ‘useless beardy motherfucker squatted on his allotment like a septic toad’. Brexit has spawned a host of new profanities, but are you up-to-date with them all?

‘Pigfucker in a shepherd’s hut’

Descriptor of David Cameron, the prime minister who instigated Brexit, now used for anyone who sets a deeply unpleasant process in motion then legs it.

‘Shit-for-brains C3PO’

Colloquial name for Britain’s prime minister by default, Theresa May.

‘As useless as Boris’s wanking hand’

A reference to the oversexed former foreign secretary’s lack of need to masturbate. Used to describe low-achieving Brexiteers such as David Davis, Liam Fox and Boris Johnson.

‘Dick-triggering Article 50’

Used to describe anyone so impressed with themselves they do something stupid with dire consequences they utterly fail to understand.

‘A Brussels teabag’

Name for any negotiation, for example buying a second-hand car or cancelling your gym membership, in which the negotiator is thoroughly humiliated.

‘Belfast bumgrapes’

Alternative title for the DUP, which were once stuck up a nether region and never thought about but are now a pain in the arse that everything seems to revolve around.

‘Economic auto-sodomy’