Monday, 6th July 2020

Man in shock after watching ITV for first time in ages

A MAN experienced what he described as ‘cultural brain damage’ after being accidentally exposed to ITV for the first time in years.

After his internet went down, Martin Bishop found himself at the mercy of the actual live schedules. Landing on ITV, he then became transfixed with horror.

Bishop said: “I used to think Channel 4 had dumbed down when they started showing things like Location, Location, Location. That’s like an Ingmar Bergman season compared to ITV.

“It’s got cookery shows, but they’re like shitter versions of cookery shows that were shit to begin with. And did you know they’re actually running a rebooted version of Through The Keyhole?

Emmerdale is no longer a study of rural life but some sort of extended Snapchat. And why don’t they just make one programme called Generic Crime Drama and repeat it endlessly? I don’t think anyone would notice.

“And as for the poor saps who still watch the late-night money-grubbing ‘roulette’ show, I can only weep genuine tears.”

An ITV spokesman apologised for the unchallenging fare and said he hoped Mr Bishop would enjoy the new Sheridan Smith drama Ordinary Person Like You Makes a Lot of Money.