Everything you need to know about the Batley and Spen by-election shitshow

CONFUSED about why the Batley and Spen by-election is so controversial and why there are so many wankers involved? Read our Q&A.

Why is it so important? 

It’s viewed as a test of whether Labour can win back white, working class voters. But a lot of them are just Brexit morons who think Belgium steals our fish. So don’t count on their political insights.

Who’s that bearded twat in a fedora? 

George Galloway, the worst kind of opportunist. If they did Political Love Island he’d happily be shagging Ann Widdecombe doggystyle while shouting ‘YES! YES! YES!’ just to be on TV, which is a difficult image to remove from your brain.

Why are people throwing eggs?

It appears to be Islamist activists pissed off about everything from Palestine to lesbians. Being hit with an egg hurts, but they need to upgrade their armoury if they’re going to take on Israel.

What do most local Muslims think? 

Who? The only people who have a true understanding of Batley and Spen’s local community are right-wing London-based pundits who are planning a weekend away in Cornwall after they’ve knocked out 800 words this afternoon.

What is Labour leader Keir Starmer doing?

Either keeping quiet or tacitly agreeing with people who don’t like Polish people. It’s this kind of high-minded idealism that will win Labour many votes. At some point.

So who will win? 

The Conservatives, obviously. But not exactly a huge challenge when Brexit voters would pretend to like food shortages rather than accept they might have been wrong.

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That was better than '66, says man born in 1974

AN England fan born eight years after England’s World Cup victory has decided that last night’s quarter-finals qualifier were probably better.

Martin Bishop was too young to witness the euphoric excitement of Geoff Hurst completing a hat-trick in the final moments of extra-time to win the final 4-2, but reckons it pales in comparison to last night’s match which really hotted up 75 minutes in.

Bishop said: “Sure, ‘66 was important, but football was still practically amateur back then. Yesterday’s game decided who went through to the quarter-finals of a European championship.

“Last night’s match didn’t go to extra time, Jerry didn’t threaten our lead for a second, and there was no debate as to whether any of our goals should be allowed. Truly a white-knuckle experience from start to finish.

“There was also the enthralling narrative of Gareth Southgate, finally redeeming himself after that penalty miss. The only backstory the 1966 final had to offer was two countries who’d been at war 21 years earlier thrashing it out on the pitch. Yawn.”

He added: “I expect Kane’s header will usurp ‘66 as a foundation of our cultural history. Unless we lose to Ukraine on Saturday in which case we’ll forget about the whole thing.”