Brexit completely justified by last night's result

A BREXITER hopes to hear no more foolishness about the wisdom of leaving the EU after last night’s England game. 

For Wayne Hayes of Peterborough every English goal in this first proud, independent, sovereign Euros has been another nail in the Remain case’s coffin, if you look at the facts.

He said: “1966. We weren’t in the Common Market. We won the World Cup.

“1968. Our resolve was weakening and we lose shabbily to Beckenbauer. 1970, they knock us out of the World Cup. 1973 we join the Common Market and never win again.

“2021, we’re out of the federal European superstate and breathing free, and we bloody marmalise them. Now you’re not claiming that’s coincidence.

“All those losses. All those years. It could have come home on schedule in ’96. We’d have had the confidence after winning the shoot-out and the Cup in ’90. Everything the Germans have ever won was rightfully ours all along.

“From now on, anyone who says anything bad about Brexit is saying they want England to lose. And I’m not having that.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

What to do if your partner's into superstitious bullshit

IS your partner into tarot, astrology or other superstitious crap? Here’s how not shout ‘it’s all bollocks’ right at them: 

Tarot

Cards that can mean anything you want them to, interpreted by anyone looking for a suitably mystical way to tell you how to live your credulous life. If your partner owns a pack, repeatedly ask ‘What if Death really means death, not just change?’ They’ll get spooked.

Horoscopes

Various options here. Claim to be so interested in planets that you screen documentaries by astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson making it clear the solar system can in no regard affect your fate.Or point out that all horoscopes are incredibly vague, leading to the Forer effect. Or go to the pub.

Spiritualism

Talking to the imaginary dead is creepy and fake. Attending a spiritualist event is seeing hundreds of people told everything’s fine in the afterlife. No clear descriptions of what the afterlife’s actually like will be forthcoming. You might as well go to church.

Psychic readings 

Psychics are the cowboy builders of the spirit realm. They’ll turn their hand to anything from predicting your love life to contacting your dead gran, for a bargain £25. Ask your partner for some specific, useful information at their next reading, eg where Bitcoin’s heading.

Numerology

If your true love likes ascribing numbers to words or events and drawing meaning from it they’re in at the deep end of superstitious bollocks. Best solution: get into it yourself and annotate the Torah to predict the Apollo landings, 9/11 and Piers Morgan walking off GMTV.

General bollocks

Fear of the number 13? Thinks a magpie is a portent of doom? Refuses to put shoes on the table? Day ruined by a black cat crossing their path? F**k it, go along with it. It’s not like walking under a ladder’s so great you’d hate to give it up.