If we can't win at football we'll have to go back to wars, agrees Germany

THE German people have agreed that if they can no longer conquer Europe with football, they will do it by military force. 

Following last night’s 2-0 loss to England, Germany has accepted that its footballing dominance is waning and is ready to turn to more direct ways of ruling the continent.

Hans Kruse of Munich said: “For decades, we have channelled our natural Teutonic urge to dominate into football. And with four World Cups and three Euros, it’s gone well for us.

“But last night’s loss to the English and Bayern Munich’s failure in the Champions League means the era of German footballing supremacy is over, so we will go back to our other thing.

“Congratulations, England. You never gave up on your belief and have triumphed. Your example is an inspiration. We will not let our memories of 1918 and 1945 dishearten us. 76 years of hurt never stopped us dreaming.

“Soon the German flag will fly over the ruins of your cities and we shall regain our shattered national pride by laying waste to all Europe. Deutschland Uber Alles.

“Good luck against Ukraine, and I hope you make it to the final. No hard feelings, ja?”

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A commissioned dog portrait, and other mad household shit mums have

VISITING your mum? Suddenly noticed her house is filled with mad stuff you’d never find anywhere else? Look out for these key pieces: 

A commissioned dog portrait

Remember that miserable dog you had as a child? Your mum certainly does, and that’s why there’s an oil painting of him in the kitchen that your parents actually paid for. It’s bigger than any photograph of you or your siblings so you know where you stand, and it’s also been printed on coasters.

A creepy collection of porcelain models

They’re ‘collectibles’, apparently – though you’re unaware of a thriving market for sad-eyed rabbits doing random shite like hula-hooping and using an abacus. She mistakes the look of distrustful unease you give them as admiration and promises you’ll inherit them.

An unlimited number of slogan signs

Whether it’s ‘Live, Laugh, Love’, ‘This kitchen is for dancing’ or a whimsical admission of drinking gin alone from noon onwards, mums love to express themselves with signs bought from a garden centre. But the fact there are so many, on every surface, suggests someone trying to block out dark, murderous thoughts.

Bizarre kitchen items

Plastic, unusually shaped, impossible to fathom the function of? ‘That’s my meat-chopper,’ your mum will reply, or ‘my tube-squeezers’ or ‘those scissors are also a garlic-crusher, nutcracker and bottle opener’. If you hang around you’ll see tubes squeezed by hand instead because it’s easier.

Weird foreign crap

Your mum grants a blanket exception to all rules of good taste for items bought on holiday, which is why your old school picture is in a garish wooden frame with the words ‘My heart belongs to Cyprus’. It makes no sense but she thinks fridge magnets are ‘common’ so this is the only way she can commemorate the five-day trip.

The latest squirrel-proof bird feeder

Your mum’s passionate love of birds seems to have arrived simultaneously with a murderous hatred of squirrels, which is why she’s always getting the latest design of discriminatory bird feeder. Which those f**king squirrels have found a way into anyway, as she never fails to tell you.