DID you massively overdo it last night? Is your hangover marring your joy at England’s win? Here’s how to survive a day of football-induced alcohol poisoning:
Focus on the result
Keep running those two excellent goals through your aching, damaged brain. Will distract from vomiting up bile and stomach lining in the morning, and a formal warning from your boss later in the day as you roll in at lunchtime.
Rehydrate
With lager at lunchtime. Puny water isn’t going to do anything to alleviate the nausea, paranoia and dizziness so go for hair of the dog. This is the road to alcoholism, but since England only beat Germany once every 55 years you should be okay.
Read the Daily Mail
Not generally recommended, but it’s worth checking the Mail’s lurid pictures of last night’s drunken carnage to make sure there isn’t a photo of you throwing up on a police dog or lying in a pool of urine, hopefully your own. Photos of you shirtless on top of a car waving a St George’s cross are a bonus.
Eat
Your depleted system desperately needs nutrients. A full English will come straight back up, so start with a single M&M. If that works out, try another two later in the afternoon.
Blame patriotism
You wouldn’t have got this pissed were it not for England’s glorious victory that gives our country new standing in the international game. Although you did get this pissed a couple of Fridays ago because you were a bit bored and there was nothing good on Netflix.
Put your hangover in a footballing context
Even this pain is nothing compared to how George Best, Charlie Nicholas, Roy Keane or somewhat more depressingly Gazza felt at times. You are just like them, but poorer and less fit. Apart from, again, Gazza.
