Five ironic punishments for Cummings that would appease the British public

THE anger towards the PM’s senior adviser doesn’t seem to be dying down. Perhaps these punishments could satisfy the country’s rage?

Hold a resignation referendum

Voters would be asked whether Cummings should remain as Johnson’s Svengali or leave the corridors of power. Both sides will be stuck in an angry impasse after the remain camp prints ‘We send people on 60-mile round trips to test their eyesight’ on the side of a bus.

Spend a night in Barnard Castle dungeon

The ruined castle dates back to the 12th century so it’s probably full of scary ghosts. If the brain behind Brexit can last a whole night chained up in its creepy dungeon we’ll say no more about his questionable visit there for at least a week.

Force him to wear a suit

Dom’s beanies and ratty t-shirts are enough to report him to the fashion police, not just Durham police. Making him wear a suit and tie to work like an adult will make him squirm in discomfort, although there is the risk it could make him go full Lex Luthor.

Spank him with rolled-up copies of The Spectator

Key workers would be invited to thrash Cummings with such prescient Mary Wakefield articles as ‘Like so many parents, I’m a panic junkie’ and ‘Getting coronavirus does not bring clarity’. The scheduled spanking would begin 30 minutes later than planned just to make him sweat bullets.

A march of shame through Islington

Every night as he slouches home from work, Cummings would be bombarded with boos from neighbours. A big TV pulled by a van could even play news clips that underline his mistakes. In fact people already gave this a go last week.

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Everyday things now massive pain in the arse

TINY things are now a giant faff, Britons are realising as lockdown begins to ease.

Actions that were once automatic have been so underused over the past two months that even the smallest task now seems like an insurmountable challenge.

Susan Traherne said: “I picked up the remote off the floor the other day. It was like running a marathon.

“I don’t mind going back to work as long as my boss realises I can’t be expected to do things like press the button to open the train door, pick up a free paper and swipe my office pass all in the same morning.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “After going slow during lockdown, everyone is now utterly f**king useless. All return-to-work planning needs to take into account that the workforce is now made up of fat, incapable babies.

“It’s lucky the economy is already scuppered because bringing this bunch of listless idiots back to start the recovery is just wishful thinking.”