Friday, 30th October 2020

F**k work, says Britain

THE UK has declared a spontaneous national day off following last night’s electoral trauma.

Employers have been told that if they expect their workforce to come in and toil like good little soldier ants after their late-night misery, they have got another think coming.

Accountant Martin Bishop said: “After six solid hours of shouting at the TV every time Laura Kuenssberg announced another Tory gain with barely concealed glee, work can f**k off.”

Coastguard Norman Steele agreed: “I won’t be going on shift today. Anyone who decides to spend Friday 13th going for a swim in choppy waters instead of staying in bed wishing it was a dream can bl**dy well drown.”

All British workers are now expected to do b*gger all until 12pm on the dot, when they will go to the pub for a long liquid lunch and possibly not return.

Police officer Stephen Malley said: “It goes against my professional ethos to stop catching thieves and murderers, but everyone at the station was up till 3am and we’re all really tired and depressed.”

Shoe shop assistant Emma Bradford said: “I’m going home. Anyone wanting to buy shoes, take your pick and leave the cash in the honesty box. There’s probably your size in the basement.”