Last three-and-a-half years a total waste of time

THE UK has realised it could have had this exact same result in August 2016 and the last three-and-a-half years have been totally pointless. 

The landslide election win for Boris Johnson has made it abundantly clear that the entire Theresa May era was nothing but a cock-up that pointlessly delayed the inevitable for no good reason whatsoever. 

Political analyst Dr Helen Archer said: “All we had to do was make Boris leader in 2016, get rid of Corbyn at the same time, get on with Brexit and stop messing about. But we did the opposite. 

“Like a procrastinating student on an essay deadline we put off making any decision. We even chose to put someone congenitally incapable of making decisions in charge, and then ensured she didn’t have enough power to anyway. 

“If we’d just bitten the bullet and got it done then we’d be 40 months into a failing Johnson administration by now, with Labour resurgent and Scotland well on the way to independence. Now that won’t happen until 2023. 

“Who do we blame for our lost three years? I seem to recall it was all Michael Gove’s fault. God, I’d forgotten how much I hate him.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Britain kicks itself in b*llocks again

THE UK has once again decided to kick itself in the metaphorical b*llocks by electing a Conservative government. 

Despite long experience of shady, incompetent, self-serving Tory administrations, the nation has opted for the sort of extreme, prolonged pain caused by a powerful blow to your testicles.

Voter Tom Logan said: “We’ve bl**dy done it again, haven’t we? The nation wants the sort of pain I got the other day when I crushed my nads on the crossbar of my mountain bike.

“Thanks to twats like Brexiters and even my dear old mum who believes everything she reads in the Daily Express, we’ve taken a good long run-up and really hoofed ourselves in the privates.”

However testicle specialist Dr Nikki Hollis said: “The sheer awfulness of the current Tories, such as Johnson, Rees-Mogg, Patel and that Gove thing, means that this is far more than a simple kick in the b*llocks.

“A better comparison is placing your delicate knackers on a hard surface and getting an agitated horse to stamp on them.”

Tory voter Wayne Hayes said: “My b*llocks are fine, although my boss did explain last year that we’ll all definitely lose our jobs after Brexit.”