Voters surrender to their inner bastard

MILLIONS of voters have admitted they are bastards who just want money.

Following a close-fought election campaign, the electorate decided the prospect of having money was better than the prospect of not having it.

Tom Booker, from Southampton, said: “I like money. I like how it feels in my hands. Labour had some lovely things to say about society, but I don’t actually care about any of that because it’s not money.”

Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, said: “They say that politics is ultimately about the economy. And the reason they say that is because it’s fucking obvious.”

Electoral analyst Carolyn Ryan said: “It seems that voters attuned to seeing through politicians’ lies looked in the mirror and could no longer believe in their own.

“Socialism is great in theory, but in practice it’s a massive ball-ache.”

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If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, claims Corbyn

LABOUR leader Jeremy Corbyn has told Boris Johnson that if he strikes him down, then it is he who will truly have lost. 

The wise elder, who spent decades in the wilderness, told the prime minister that he may seem old and his powers weak, but that he cannot win this battle.

He added: “My body may fall, but my beliefs will become stronger than ever. A new flame of socialism will be kindled throughout the galaxy.

“By inviting this fight you have done nothing but hasten your own end.”

But cabinet minister Michael Gove told Johnson: “No, I’ve seen this one. Do it.

“He just turns into a blue ghost. They’re not even scary in Pac-Man.”