Corbyn nasty bad man

JEREMY Corbyn is a bad, nasty man so you no vote for him.

Clever men prove Corbyn make bad prime minister and do horrid thing to lovely Britain.

Professor Cleverman, from Best University Ever, say: “If you no vote Tory then Labour make everyone cry with tax and muslims.

“If you no vote Tory, evil Russia man blow up your telly.

“If you no vote Tory, tiny Scottish people raid your fridge and eat your cheesy things.”

Brian, a person like you, say: “I hear clever man so me clever too. Corbyn man do bad nasty. Me vote Tory.”

Professor Cleverman say: “Well done Brian. Have a cheesy thing.”

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Five weird presents you'll be getting from your strange auntie

ONE of the less popular Christmas traditions is receiving utterly weird tat from your slightly strange aunt. Here are some horrors to expect.

Old beauty products

Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas!’ like a bottle of body milk that’s clearly been knocking around Aunt Susan’s bathroom for at least five years. Extra ‘strange aunt’ points if it’s leaked and gone a bit crusty.

An ashtray

Smoking is less popular these days, for some reason, but that won’t stop Auntie Patricia rinsing out a cut glass number that’s been gathering dust on her shelf since the 80s and giving it a new lease of life.

A knitted jumper

Not a terrible gift in itself, it’s just that yours will be very low quality and clearly made from a pattern dating back to the 1970s. The only less-welcome gift is knitted underwear, and you may well be getting that next year.

Unspeakably hideous ornaments

Birds, ballet dancers, dogs, clowns – basically anything that’s ‘off the market’ rather than ‘Royal Doulton’. The options are endless, but they will all have wonky eyes. The odd thing is that strange aunties really do think they’re lovely.

Anything engraved with the wrong name

This looks as if the gift-giver is taking the mickey, but your slightly bonkers Aunt Bethan genuinely believes you’d like to own a knackered old tankard that once belonged to someone called ‘Arnold’.