'F**k you and f**k your f**king kids,' says education minister

EDUCATION minister Gillian Keegan has followed up yesterday’s expletive-filled rant by informing the public they and their f**king kids can get f**ked. 

Keegan, who responded to questioning about a crisis threatening unknown numbers of children by complaining about how unappreciated she is, delievered the four-letter tirade on Good Morning Britain.

She said: “We’ve sent out f**king questionnaires, what else do you ignorant, shit-eating bastards want? Me in a hard hat checking the twatting ceilings myself?

“Honestly, f**k you and f**k your kids. You sit there on your fat lazy arses judging, judging and bloody judging when not one of you knew what f**king RAAC was until last week. Now you’re experts.

“Send your kids to a proper fee-paying school if you’re so concerned about them. Not going to do that, are you, wankers? But you’re out here clamouring for our money?

“Underinvestment? Hate to break it to you, but your shit-thick arse-faced progeny aren’t exactly an investment that pays f**king dividends. It’s cash down the drain when we could subsidise billionaires who’ll give us jobs after we lose the cocking election.

“So that’s my answer, Susanna. You can shove your f**king primary schools up your arse. And Rishi backs me all the way on this.”

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Straightforward British things American twats claim to be baffled by

AMERICANS visiting the UK are astonished by minor physical and cultural differences. They should shut the f**k up about these non-puzzling things: 

It rains all summer

Caused by meteorological processes like low-pressure weather systems arriving over the UK. You could learn this from science, but since 40 per cent of Americans believe in the Rapture they assume it’s because we’re hated by God and his angels piss on us. That makes more sense to them.


It’s just a popular drink, with a well-known history. But Americans adore tea myths that are obvious bullshit, like contemporary Britain grinding to a halt at 3pm on the dot for a brew. Nor did British soldiers pause in the middle of firefights for tea. If you were riddled with Schmeisser rounds it would be a waste of a good cuppa.


Words evolve differently in different places. That’s it. A nation that invented ‘fanny packs’ has no grounds for argument, and shouldn’t be offended if you ask if they’d mind putting your lip balm in their vagina hole.

Things are smaller

Showers, sinks, living rooms, yeah, they’re smaller. Due to property developers and builders viewing every square inch of Britain as a rip-off investment opportunity, supported by a government voted for by homeowners who never want the housing crisis to end. It’s not our deep-seated desire to live in pokey rabbit hutches. We’re being f**ked over.

Plugs and sockets

Britain contains many interesting but confusing things, from alien big cats to Eddie Izzard. But dullard Yanks focus on plug sockets, which are more robust and contain a fuse due to our much higher voltage. Do they go to Venice and get excited about the toilet seats? Are they agog at Thailand’s parking meters?


Will this voltage discrepancy never cease to amaze? Americans don’t have electric kettles because of it. But it’s so fascinating to them that Britain should build a vast theme park called Kettle Land where you can watch all manner of kettles reaching boiling point, or go for a ride in a giant Russell Hobbs. The tourist dollars would flood in.

We don’t celebrate the 4th of July

Nations tend not to celebrate the outcome of conflicts they lost. We don’t celebrate Fall of Singapore Day either, although Brits would happily get shitfaced while eating sushi. We’ll start celebrating the 4th of July when you start celebrating the 30th of April as Last Chopper Out of Saigon Day.

The country’s dirty

We’d noticed. Caused by 13 years of a government refusing to fund anything that might improve our surroundings, not Britons sneaking out to grinding chewing gum into the pavements of Doncaster or smearing greasy dirt inside Tube stations. We did leave that slimy banana skin in the fold-up table on the train, though.