'General election now' says 13-year-old smoker who owns XL bully

A TEENAGE smoker who owns an XL bully is demanding that a general election is held immediately.

Jack Browne, 13, who is planning a career as a rapper if he gets the necessary GCSE results, feels so outraged by the government’s latest policies he is campaigning for a general election this afternoon.

He said: “It’s high time we gave someone else a go at running the country. Sunak’s administration is morally bankrupt, bereft of ideas and also a bunch of wankers.

“He took over without a democratic vote of the whole electorate. Now he’s taking away basic human rights like being able to own a dog that three council dog wardens can’t control. And that’s when he being friendly.

“The thought of purchasing fags legally was the only thing keeping me going after I’d learnt my beloved pet Beast will be banned. How will I be able to indulge in one of life’s little pleasures while terrorising the estate once the age restriction kicks in? 

“I’m going to follow Penny Mordaunt’s advice and fight for what I believe in. I’ve already written a rap entitled Free Da Bullyz An’ Da Marlboro, which I expect will become a popular protest song not unlike The Times They Are Changin’.

“I’m following it up with a leafleting campaign and, if necessary, direct action. By which I mean vandalising a bin in the park.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

There are only Southern men and Southern women, says Sunak

RISHI Sunak has asserted that despite ‘woke’ claims, there are just two genders – Southern men and Southern women.

At the Tory conference, the prime minister said that although there had been talk of transgender and trans-Pennine people, neither in reality existed and therefore should not be catered for in any way.

To huge cheers, Sunak said: “A Southern man is a Southern man and a Southern woman is a Southern woman. We will not be bullied into accepting these ridiculous ideas of gender and regional identity.

“I cancelled the last leg of HS2 because no one should be forced into transitioning from South to North. Birmingham is as far as anyone need go, and people should receive counselling to make sure they want to go through with it.

“I know of young people who have changed gender, as well as those who have moved from London to Leeds, both of whom have come to regret their decisions forced on them by woke bullies.”

Sunak pledged to save billions by cancelling HS2 and gender reassignment surgery, with some of the money being spent on a tram or something in Leek and the rest on penis enlargement surgery for men traumatised by trans terrorism.

Sunak said: “That’s good news for Southern men – and great news for Southern women. Not that I’ll be needing it. Akshata says I’m too geeky to have sex with.”