Gove kidnapped by Marxist militants

MICHAEL Gove has been abducted by the militant Marxist group Enemies of Promise.

Gove’s claims of a threat to education from extreme leftists had been dismissed as a hackneyed ‘Reds under the bed’ routine.

However the Enemies of Promise are now threatening to sever Gove’s penis and testicles if proletarian children are not stopped from succeeding at school.

Gove’s neighbours described how the bearded, gun-toting Marxists shouted “Thwart potential!” and fired several rounds into the air before bundling the Pob-faced Tory into the back of an unmarked Ford Transit.

The kidnappers were accompanied by bespectacled, boyfriendless women who kept onlookers at bay by hissing and making condescending faces.

Detective inspector Julian Cook said: “The Enemies of Promise are demanding that working class children should not be allowed to score more than 30% in exams, otherwise they might get well-paid jobs and abandon their roots.

“They also want school dinners to be run on a ‘from each according to his ability to each according to his need’ basis – even if this means extra helpings for fat children.”

“Michael Gove is in considerable danger. So it’s not an urgent situation.”

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Joe Weider's coffin lifted 3 x 10 times before being lowered into ground

BODYBUILDING guru Joe Weider’s funeral service incorporated a bout of resistance training.

In accordance with Weider’s wishes, bearers did three sets of ten repetitions with his coffin before it was buried.

A source said: “Joe wanted the undertakers to really focus on their biceps, standing with their backs very straight and lifting his mortal remains through a 90 degree angle.

“Then family and close gym buddies went back to his house for a simple buffet of protein bars and isotonic drinks.”