Government defends Cummings' decision to go dogging

DOMINIC Cummings’ lockdown visit to a popular dogging site was entirely appropriate, the government has confirmed.

Boris Johnson’s senior aide seemingly broke official guidelines by travelling from London to Durham, during which time he visited local dogging site Crealey Peak at 3am.

A police source said: “CCTV footage shows that Mr Cummings spent the day of March 30 trying to visit tourist attractions like Durham Pencil Museum only to find them shut because nobody else was allowed to go outside.

“That night, officers spotted him at the dogging site. He flashed his headlights twice and they approached to find him dressed as General Zod from Superman 2, but with a thong instead of trousers.

“He initially said ‘Kneel before Zod’, however on realising the men were police officers he became angry and shouted ‘I’m your boss, piss off or I’ll have your pets killed.'”

A government spokesman said: “Dogging counts as exercise and you can legally leave your house for 30 minutes a day to have sex with strangers in a disused quarry.

“And if you don’t have to local dogging spot you can travel up to 130 miles to find one. That’s just common sense really.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Britain driving like a bellend

DRIVING like a bit of a bellend is completely acceptable at the moment, Britons have agreed.

Due to the fact that most people haven’t set foot inside a vehicle for over two months, operating your car like a small child on fairground dodgems is to be expected.

Driver Stephen Malley said: “It’s fine if I swerve a bit and behave erratically, even whilst in stationary traffic. Normally it would be annoying but currently it’s not.

“The fact that no-one else is around gives me a wonderful sense that the road is mine alone, and I can do whatever I like with zero consequences because it’s an unprecedented time.

“Although the other day I actually saw someone else coming the other way. I had to get back on my side of the road and everything. But it’s great being able to park anywhere and I love the fact that traffic lights are optional.”