Friends meeting in park fail to recognise each other

TWO friends who arranged to meet up in the park have been having problems recognising each other due to their overweight, unkempt appearances.

Emma Bradford planned to have a socially-distanced picnic with colleague Francesca Johnson over the weekend but instead the pair wandered around unable to spot each other for over an hour.

Johnson said: “I walked past the mad old woman with grey hair three times before I realised it was Emma.

“It turns out spending nine weeks watching telly and not looking in the mirror gives you the kind of vacant stare you’d usually associate with people who enjoy drinking meths.”

Bradford said: “I was freaked out when this rotund bag lady called my name. Fran is usually so glamorous I never would have dreamed she’d come out wearing jogging bottoms, a cardigan and Crocs.

“She told me she’s trying a new relaxed approach to life, but it was abundantly clear that she actually can’t squeeze into any of her old clothes because she’s suffering from a severe case of lockdown arse.”


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Working mums wondering if they can put children back inside them

WOMEN juggling paid work, childcare and homeschooling are wondering if they can stick their children back into their wombs.

With the burden of domestic chores falling disproportionately on women, many mothers are considering whether to ‘de-birth’ their offspring in order to cope with the demands of the current crisis.

Eleanor Shaw, a marketing consultant, said: “Should I keep doing a shit job at homeschooling and an even shitter job at my actual job, or should I pop Henry and Olivia back up inside me until the global situation calms?

“I love my children but having them on the outside of my body is completely unworkable at the moment.”

Nikki Hollis, a full-time data analyst commented: “As a mum, you constantly fear you’re making the wrong decision for your child by sending them to a school out of catchment or re-wombing them during a pandemic.

“But I brought Lukas into the world, so I should be free to re-ingest and then release him when there are more people on hand to help me.”