Birdsong, embroidery and other simple joys that are shit compared to the pub

BRITONS are returning to wholesome pursuits such as listening to owls hoot and sewing quilts with the enthusiasm of people who have given up on the idea of fun. Try these: 

Get into cross-stitch

This fiddly thread-based activity will help you slow down and focus on the present, in which you are probably stabbing yourself with a needle. It is also a wonderful way to creatively measure out the tedious passing of your life, one tiny – and probably wrong – stitch at a time.

Grow vegetables

Any form of gardening is calming, and taps into the deep-seated human desire to stare at mud and wonder if there is cat poo in it. There is apparently great pleasure to be found in convincing yourself you will want to eat the one marrow you manage to grow this year.

Study birdsong

What better way to appreciate nature than by learning the individual songs of the creatures who shit all over the car you rarely drive at the moment? Take even more fun out of this pastime by getting up before dawn, since that is the ideal time to listen to the feathery little idiots.


Some of the greatest minds in history have enjoyed walking, but then they didn’t have streaming platforms, did they? Wander lonely as a cloud like Wordsworth, until someone shatters your peace with a potential Covid-sneeze and you run home to Ozark.

Pickle food

Some people are getting into preserving food, although some people also commit murder or buy tickets to see We Will Rock You, so you must never believe that anyone knows what they are doing. Ingesting a jar of vinegary vegetables probably can’t make the lockdown that much worse than it already is.

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'I understand the f**king plot of the f**king film' woman gently reminds husband

A WOMAN has politely reassured her husband that she can follow what is going on in the film by herself, thank you very f**king much.

Donna Sheridan calmly shut down Martin Bishop as he explained what was going on in 2001: A Space Odyssey by shouting ‘It’s not as complicated as you think, you cretin.’

Sheridan said: “Martin always chooses something he thinks will make him look like an intellectual but this is just about an evil computer in space. It’s hardly Chekov.

“The only reason I might find it hard to understand is because he’s jabbering all over the dialogue, of which there’s barely any to begin with.

“He didn’t even get his head around the film by himself anyway. I heard him watching a YouTube video that explained the ending and he’s just repeating it word for word.

“It’s nearly as bad as the time we watched The Matrix and he paused it every couple of minutes to point out the symbolism, then got in a sulk when I pointed out the obvious stylistic influence of Ghost In The Shell.”