Friday, 29th May 2020

Which COVID-19 hotspot are you heading to this weekend?

IT’S a bank holiday and the perfect time to head out to one of Britain’s much-loved COVID-19 hotspots to up your viral load. But where will you go? 

A Cornish beach

There’s no better way to expose yourself to a virus than stripping near-nude and sitting in close proximity to other hot, sweating people exhaling lovely infectious clouds of droplets. Remember to keep wiping your brow!

The Peak District

There’s absolutely loads of the Peak District and in theory enough room for many thousands to roam. So make sure to head to that one car park you always go to and go on the same walk you always go on because it’s easy and flat, while tutting at everyone else who’s done exactly the same thing.

Any London park

Surely on a sunny day like today, with everyone off and lockdown rules relaxed in a vague, interpret-to-suit-yourself way, there won’t be hundreds of people heading to London parks like there always are? There are? Wonderful! It’s a multicultural fiesta of infection vectors.

A deserted city centre

You’ve seen all these deserted 28 Days Later city centres on the news, so what could be safer than driving the family in for a look around and a photo opportunity? You’ll arrive to discover it’s actually still quite busy then contract the coronavirus while queuing for Subway.

The intensive care unit of your local hospital

Why not cut out the middleman, stop taking your chances with community infection, and head straight to the main source? Take a picnic and spread your blanket over a spare bed, then munch pork pies while watching frantic medics trying to save lives. You’ll be dry-coughing before you even get home.