Which COVID-19 hotspot are you heading to this weekend?

IT’S summer and the perfect time to head out to one of Britain’s much-loved COVID-19 hotspots to up your viral load. But where will you go? 

A Cornish beach

There’s no better way to expose yourself to a virus than stripping near-nude and sitting in close proximity to other hot, sweating people exhaling lovely infectious clouds of droplets. Remember to keep wiping your brow!

The Peak District

There’s absolutely loads of the Peak District and in theory enough room for many thousands to roam. So make sure to head to that one car park you always go to and go on the same walk you always go on because it’s easy and flat, while tutting at everyone else who’s done exactly the same thing.

Any London park

Surely on a sunny day like today, with everyone off and lockdown rules relaxed in a vague, interpret-to-suit-yourself way, there won’t be hundreds of people heading to London parks like there always are? There are? Wonderful! It’s a multicultural fiesta of infection vectors.

A city centre

You’ve seen all these deserted 28 Days Later city centres on the news, so what could be safer than driving the family in for a look around and a photo opportunity? You’ll arrive to discover it’s really very busy then contract the coronavirus while queuing for Subway.

The intensive care unit of your local hospital

Why not cut out the middleman, stop taking your chances with community infection, and head straight to the main source? Take a picnic and spread your blanket over a spare bed, then munch pork pies while watching frantic medics trying to save lives. You’ll be dry-coughing before you even get home.

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Mum realises she has become unpaid PA to eight-year-old child

A MUM has realised that she has somehow become a PA to her eight-year-old daughter during lockdown. 

Emma Bradshaw has been roped into organising daily conference calls and phone appointments, proofing emails and arranging regular refreshments for her daughter.

Bradshaw said: “I’m not sure how it happened. One minute she was borrowing my phone to chat to her pals, then the next thing you know I’m writing and sending out invites to Zoom meetings for something called The Big Poo Club.

“If I’m not printing out colouring sheets I’m answering video calls from seven-year-old Lily up the road. Then I have to wait for ages to use my own f**king phone while they discuss how many biscuits they ate on Tuesday and whether Elsa is prettier than Anna.

“It’s like I’m doing another full time job, but with the kind of strident, unpredictable boss who would give Priti Patel a run for her money.

“I can’t wait until she goes back to school and I can go back to the less demanding world of being a corporate lawyer.”