THE government is to continue sensibly and responsibly restoring the UK’s economy post-lockdown by giving every citizen six grams of cocaine.
The pharmaceutical-grade cocaine will be mandatory for all adults over the age of 18 and is expected to boost trade in pubs, bars, nightclubs and at high-end fashion retailers.
Michael Gove said: “Britain needs to cast aside its concerns and get spending, and nothing does that like a noseful of beak.
“The scheme follows the runaway success of Eat Out to Help Out but won’t just help hospitality. When the whole nation’s on the 36th hour of a mammoth session they’ll blow cash on f**king anything.
“Who’s got time to worry about the Delta variant when they’re out of their box on gak? Nobody high’s bothered about job security, mounting debts or their long-term health. They’re wild-eyed and thrusting money on strangers and that’s what the country needs.”
Denys Finch Hatton of Andover was part of the pilot scheme. He said: “I did half mine in a single night and by dawn I’d bought a summerhouse, six cases of champagne and put a deposit on a speedboat.
“I’m going to work every hour God sends to pay for that shit and get more of this sweet nose candy. Britain’s the best country in the f**king world.”