Government unveils plan for Muppet House of Lords

MINISTERS are pushing ahead with plans for an upper house of Parliament operated by the Jim Henson Workshop.

Under the proposals in the House of Lords Muppet Reform Bill, the new second chamber would keep its structure of long red leather seats which hide its members’ legs from view, but would replace existing peers with felt and fuzzy puppets with googly ping-pong eyes.

The Liberal Democrats believe that the Muppets, who will roar their assent or growl their dissent at proposed legislation, will make the House of Lords more relevant and entertaining.

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said: “Democracy needs checks and balances, but it could also use a little showbiz glitz.

“The Muppets will take us behind the political scenes and show how half-baked ideas make their way from country suppers in Chipping Norton to the statute books.”

Hereditary peers will be replaced by monster Muppets, unable to speak intelligibly but able to grunt their disgust whenever homosexuality is mentioned.

The traditional place for religious leaders in the Lords will be taken by those chickens that hang around with Gonzo, dressed in bishops’ mitres and robes while squawking and flapping around in panic.

And appointed peers will have squeezable horns for noses, which they will honk in confusion throughout debates while Lord Speaker Miss Piggy attempts to keep order with shrill screams and karate chops.

All bills will be passed or rejected by the staging of a lavish musical number, during which the peers will sing along and sway from side to side in their benches. The first, It’s Not Easy Being Green, will replace next week’s planned debate on the Countryside Act.

Special guest Daryl Hannah will sing a duet with Lord Kermit while Statler and Waldorf, who have been sitting in the Lords since they were made life peers by John Major in 1993, will provide acerbic commentary and old jokes.



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J. Jonah Jameson appears at Leveson Inquiry

THE editor of the Daily Bugle has given evidence to the Leveson Inquiry about his newspaper’s negative coverage of Spider-Man.

J. Jonah Jameson, famous for his vocal opposition to the web-slinging vigilante, has been accused of deliberately distorting events to demonise Spider-Man and boost his newspapers’ circulation figures.

Cross-examined at the inquiry, Jameson at first defended the estimated 9,000 Bugle editorials he has written calling for Spider-Man’s arrest on charges ranging from theft to public endangerment to murder.

But the editor, nervously puffing on his trademark cigar, admitted that inaccurate headlines casting the web-slinging hero as the villain in battles against the Green Goblin and Doctor Octopus were only corrected in one-and-a-half inch apologies on page two.

Jameson said: “Stories about Spider-Man have, on occasion, proved to contain factual errors because of clones, evil counterparts from other dimensions, robots, shape-shifting Skrulls and the illusions of the villain Mysterio.

“However, I remain convinced that this webbed menace is a threat to ordinary people despite the PR campaign promoting him as a friendly neighbour who washes his underwear in kitchen utensils.”

Photojournalist Peter Parker was invited to the inquiry to explain his relationship with the vigilante he has photographed on an almost daily basis for decades, but declined in order to protect his sources.

The next witness called to the inquiry will be Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane, who had filed a string of overwhelmingly positive stories about the clearly insane hero Superman.