Gran braves downpour and two-hour journey to vote to send them all back

A PLUCKY pensioner has endured appalling weather and a lengthy bus journey to use her hard-won vote to deport anyone who is not white.

Despite heavy rain and unreliable local public transport, Mary Fisher, 82, was determined to get to the polling station and remove all non-white and foreign people because they make her slightly uncomfortable.

Fisher said: “A lot of young people these days don’t bother to vote, but it’s your duty. People gave their lives so we can get rid of the Muslims with their smelly food and terrorism.

“Yes, it’s just the council elections, but local issues matter. Once the blacks move in you can forget about anyone wanting to buy your house, and it’s not safe for a white woman to go out at night.

“It was a struggle getting to the polling station, what with the rain and my dodgy hip. I think I’ve earned a nice cup of tea and a sit-down for keeping Britain racially pure and stopping white girls having half-caste babies.”

Local councillor Norman Steele said: “I had to explain to Mary we deal more with wheelie bins than deporting ethnic minorities at gunpoint. She was disappointed there wasn’t a National Front candidate, but made do with voting Conservative.”

Fisher added: “I don’t agree with these people who say ‘Ooh, but I don’t support any of the candidates’. You can’t complain about the Jews always trying to cheat you if you haven’t voted to have them rounded up.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to shop even more cheaply at your scummy budget supermarket, by a Tory minister

By junior environment minister Nathan Muir 

YOU aren’t struggling because of the cost of living crisis, it’s because you occasionally splash out on a tub of Lurpak. Here’s my wildly out-of-touch take on shopping on a budget.

Stick to the value range

You are poor people, which means you must buy the cheapest food available. You know, the mysterious meat products that I wouldn’t even feed to my cat. What do you mean you already stick to the supermarket’s own brand? Stop moaning and buy some foul-smelling hotdogs in a jar that crumble in your mouth. 

Never have any treats

If you don’t have a lot of money, get used to the fact that your life can only be a treadmill of disappointment and hardship. You must forego all the nice treaty things in the supermarket, despite the fact that they would make your kids happy. Put that Viennetta back, even if it’s only £1.65. You’re not worth it.

Look harder for bargains

My cleaner tells me if you wait until 9pm before doing your shopping, you might come across some items of food that have magic yellow stickers on, which means they are cheaper than usual. What do you mean, you’re too knackered to shop at that time after a long day at work, or doing two jobs to make ends meet? Pull your socks up, you lazy scum.

Shop somewhere even cheaper

If you’re struggling at Asda it’s nothing to do with rising prices and everything to do with your frivolous, wasteful lifestyle. Try shopping somewhere even cheaper, like Iceland. They don’t do fresh fruit and veg? Oh well, you’ve probably got scurvy anyway. Everyone knows low earners would only ingest a vitamin if it came as a dinosaur shape.

Hunt animals in the car park

If you really can’t afford to buy the food that’s inside the shop, why not trap and kill the wildlife you find outside it? There should be at least several pigeons and a large, meaty seagull. Use your initiative and entrepreneurial spirit, just like us Tories do. You can’t get enough fried chicken so what’s wrong with spicy seagull wings?