Hardcore Tory still trying to blame all this on immigrants

A DIEHARD Tory is struggling to blame every aspect of yesterday’s tax-raising, service-cutting Autumn Statement on immigration.

Steve Malley remains convinced that the reason he is paying more tax for less is migrants, not 12 years of Tory government, Brexit or various world crises, and is coming up with imaginative explanations as to why.

He said: “First of all, council tax rises, that’s from putting them up in four-star hotels, innit? Though that wouldn’t explain rises in say, Redcar, where they’re not exactly flooding in.

“And minimum wage going up, well they’ve all got three wives haven’t they? Then again that assumes they’re working. No, they’re all living it up on benefits, so that’s why they’re being increased. Disgusting.

“The dropping of the threshold for 45p tax, that’s for… their overpaid, public sector diversity officers maybe? Same for cuts to tax-free dividend allowances. The council gives them shares in wokeness.

“NHS funding’s up because it’s on its knees, because they all come over here riddled with disease, don’t they? While being perfectly healthy Albanian men who aren’t in any danger at home.

“So in conclusion, it’s all the fault of these illegal immigrants who I voted Tory and Brexit to stop and who there’s more of than ever. 

“It has to be their fault. It can’t be my fault.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Footballs next thing to be banned from Qatar World Cup

PRESSURISED air-filled balls made of polyurethane panels are the next thing to be banned from World Cup stadiums by the Qatari royal family.

With beer sales set to be prohibited at the tournament, Qatar has gone a step further by getting rid of footballs because they encourage disorderly behaviour amongst fans and players.

Qatari ruler Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani said: “I looked over our laws and right near the bottom, just underneath where it says killing migrant workers is okay, it clearly specifies ‘no footballs’. My bad. 

“Thanks for all the money though. Apart from no alcohol, no celebrating, no hugging, no gay people and now no balls, holding the World Cup here was obviously the right thing to do.

“I’m not sure how you’ll fill all those 90-minute fixtures but I’m sure you’ll think of something. You’ve got 48 hours until the first match, which is ages. Maybe all the players could race each other? That’ll kill some time.

“We’re not unreasonable. Fans can still have a kickabout in their hotel rooms so long as they have a special permit. Perhaps that could be the real competition? I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas here. Chime in if you think of something better.”

England fan Wayne Hayes said: “I still reckon Southgate’s squad can go all the way. No ball just means we won’t let any goals in.”