He's a tragic nerd and a virgin, and other surprisingly unpleasant insults I've got lined up for Sunak

By Sir Keir Starmer

Yeah, I meant what I said in that ad. And that was only the start of it. Here are the other below-the-belt jibes I’ve got in store for your beloved Rishi Sunak.

He addresses people as ‘guys’

It’s annoying when bar staff refer to your table as ‘guys’, but coming from the prime minister it’s tantamount to treason. Do you think the government should talk to you like rational adults instead of a supply teacher with zero authority? Rishi Sunak doesn’t. Yes, it’s trivial in the scheme of things, but I’m desperately trying to score points here.

He’s a tragic nerd and therefore a virgin

The UK deserves better than to be run by some spod who prefers Return of the Jedi to The Empire Strikes Back and has therefore never known the carnal delight of sexual intercourse. Instead they should let a renowned mad lad and notorious player such as myself take the wheel. The nickname ‘Sir Beer Korma’ didn’t come from nowhere, you know.

He’s a self-confessed Coke addict

Not the cool kind of coke that your rich friends cut into lines with their credit cards in nightclub toilets, but the sugary drink kind that rots your teeth. It still counts as substance abuse in my robotic, legally-trained eyes though, so I have no choice but to crack down with zero empathy or compassion. Plus I’m more of a Pepsi guy anyway.
He doesn’t know what eating out also means

No, I’m still not over this. He ran a whole campaign centred around a euphemism for cunnilingus without batting an eyelid. If dredging up this faux pas doesn’t single-handedly win back Red Wall voters then I suspect nothing will. It was his bacon sandwich moment and it’s up to us as a country not to let it slide.

He’s a f**king shortarse

For years I’ve tried to remain aloof and professional, but f**k all good that’s done me. Now the gloves are coming off and I’m getting personal. I’m only saying what everyone’s thinking anyway, and if you’re offended you’re just a tofu-eating woke snowflake. This approach seems to work for the government so I’m sure it’ll usher me into power effortlessly. His wife’s a munter and all.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Father systematically destroying every film for his kids

A DAD is determined to ruthlessly pick apart every single film that his kids adore, it has emerged.

Father-of-two Nathan Muir gleefully slates all the movies they enjoy by pointing out inconsistencies in the plot or savaging child-friendly themes with cynical commentary.

His wife Emma said: “He’s usually a nice man, but he seems unable to stop himself crushing their wide-eyed adoration of simple, feelgood entertainment.

“He ruined Dumbo by talking about animal welfare, and Snow White made the kids cry after his bleak observations about the ethics of forcing a minority group into servitude.

“I was out when they watched Harry Potter, but I’m pretty sure where my seven-year-old’s questions about whether Hogwarts depicts an obnoxious privileged elite come from.

“Things really came to a head with Beauty and the Beast, which Nathan described as a ‘disgusting bestiality flick’. But, to be honest, the kids don’t seem that bothered that we now watch Netflix in the spare room without him.”

Nathan Muir said: “I’ve got the whole living room and TV remote to myself. I know how to play a long game.”