By Sir Keir Starmer
Yeah, I meant what I said in that ad. And that was only the start of it. Here are the other below-the-belt jibes I’ve got in store for your beloved Rishi Sunak.
He addresses people as ‘guys’
It’s annoying when bar staff refer to your table as ‘guys’, but coming from the prime minister it’s tantamount to treason. Do you think the government should talk to you like rational adults instead of a supply teacher with zero authority? Rishi Sunak doesn’t. Yes, it’s trivial in the scheme of things, but I’m desperately trying to score points here.
He’s a tragic nerd and therefore a virgin
The UK deserves better than to be run by some spod who prefers Return of the Jedi to The Empire Strikes Back and has therefore never known the carnal delight of sexual intercourse. Instead they should let a renowned mad lad and notorious player such as myself take the wheel. The nickname ‘Sir Beer Korma’ didn’t come from nowhere, you know.
He’s a self-confessed Coke addict
Not the cool kind of coke that your rich friends cut into lines with their credit cards in nightclub toilets, but the sugary drink kind that rots your teeth. It still counts as substance abuse in my robotic, legally-trained eyes though, so I have no choice but to crack down with zero empathy or compassion. Plus I’m more of a Pepsi guy anyway.
He doesn’t know what eating out also means
No, I’m still not over this. He ran a whole campaign centred around a euphemism for cunnilingus without batting an eyelid. If dredging up this faux pas doesn’t single-handedly win back Red Wall voters then I suspect nothing will. It was his bacon sandwich moment and it’s up to us as a country not to let it slide.
He’s a f**king shortarse
For years I’ve tried to remain aloof and professional, but f**k all good that’s done me. Now the gloves are coming off and I’m getting personal. I’m only saying what everyone’s thinking anyway, and if you’re offended you’re just a tofu-eating woke snowflake. This approach seems to work for the government so I’m sure it’ll usher me into power effortlessly. His wife’s a munter and all.
