How the government could deal with the energy crisis, but won't

RISING energy prices are crippling Britain, with millions in poverty and small businesses closing. Here are six things the government could do but won’t.

Nationalise an energy company

They’ll be going bust soon enough because nobody can afford to pay them, so it would be easy to step in, take over and set up a state-owned company that supplies energy without profit. But the Tories won’t because it would be a betrayal of Thatcher. That’s more unthinkable than going back to medieval times without electricity or hot water.

Invest in insulation

Households spend too much on energy because they’re inefficiently insulated. Subsidising wall and roof insulation would cut energy bills and reduce carbon emissions. But the Tories won’t because it’s your choice as an individual to have bad insulation if you like and Insulate Britain were hippies.

Freeze the price cap

If the price cap rises whenever prices do, it’s not a f**king price cap. Freezing it would get millions of households through the winter and force energy companies to reconsider their plan of ‘rampant profits now’. But the Tories won’t, because restricting profiteering is what Stalin did.

Invest in renewables

The cost of renewable energy hasn’t gone up. Putin can’t cut off wind or tides. Investing money in that, rather than trusting energy giants’ crossed-fingers promise to do it, would ensure that the lights stayed on. But the Tories won’t because GB News doesn’t like wind turbines.

Invest in nuclear

Nuclear power is basically glowing rocks that pump out infinite energy. There’s a strong argument for taking advantage, despite the dangers. Building nuclear power plants would provide for generations to come, but the Tories won’t because it’s expensive and hard and we’ve asked China to build one but they’re dragging their feet.

Subsidise solar panels

There’s nothing more individual and entrepreneurial than turning your own home into an energy producer. Imagine, thousands of little power companies lining the suburbs of Britain, each as self-sufficient as the country was meant to be post-Brexit. But the Tories won’t because they’re pricks.

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Six worrying signs you might be a lower middle class twat

WORRIED you might be a lower middle class arsehole without the education of the proper middle class or the life experience of the working class? Read our checklist and find out.

You read a shit newspaper

The Mail is non-stop hate, and the Express is more detached from reality than an acid trip in a Hieronymus Bosch painting. But that’s where you get your facts from. Even the increasingly moronic Times is ‘too intellectual’, and you’re convinced the Guardian is loony left propaganda, not drippy centrism and endless gushing articles about crap Netflix shows. 

Your home is tastefully tasteless

Your interior design aesthetic is ‘unadventurous conformity’. So your house is basically B&Q without the tills. It’s obviously very tidy, because what your friends and neighbours think is more important than creating your own living space. Books are just clutter, not that you read them anyway because they’re made-up. 

You are incredibly reactionary 

It doesn’t matter if it’s sushi or nationalising utilities, anything unfamiliar must be rejected out of hand. Annoyingly, you think you’re really nailing public opinion by coming out with fatuous crap like: ’I don’t understand these transgenders. Just don’t understand them. Are they men or women?’ Oh just f**k off.

Only you work hard at your job

Only you, in your office-based sales job, do any work. Doctors, electricians, the Royal Navy – they somehow get paid for doing nothing. Why you don’t change job is unclear. Maybe it’s something to do with enjoying being a whinging f**king martyr? You also conveniently forget that you screw every possible benefit out of your job by constantly knocking off early, putting in 65p expense claims for a Twix, and taking the piss with sick days, ie. sitting in your garden.

You vote Tory 

Only the Tories can be trusted with the economy, bafflingly. Tax rises are terrible, even if they make no difference one way or the other to you. And anything is better than socialism. Naturally you have no idea what ‘socialism’ means, it’s just a bad thing like cancer, paedophiles or cycle lanes.

You have a chip on your shoulder about ‘clever people’

Nothing warms the cockles of your heart more than a clever person being wrong or earning less than you. It’s a pretty weird response to not going to university, which is hardly non-stop intellectual debate or a Brideshead-style coke party anyway. Unfortunately, due to not being very clever you think that anti-clever comments like ‘Clever people have got no common sense’ are genuine insights and not just total bollocks.