The top 10 songs for dumped teenagers who'll never be happy again

25th August 2022

BEING dumped is particularly harsh when you’re a self-centred teenager, because no one has ever experienced emotional pain like yours. See if these songs help you through this difficult time.

Atmosphere, Joy Division

The bleak, minimalist sound is perfect for dumpees, as are the lyrics, eg. ‘People like you find it easy… walking on air.’ So true. You saw Kelly Jeffries and she was laughing and drinking cider with her mates in the park as if she hadn’t ruined your life forever. Cow.

Adam’s Song, Blink-182

Surprisingly listenable suicide tune. ‘You’ll be sorry when I’m gone,’ say the lyrics. If you’ve spent any time with a mopey teenager, this is a big assumption. Luckily the narrator gets through his bad patch and ‘can’t wait… to pass the time in my room alone’. Yep, as a teenager that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.

Just Like Heaven, The Cure

First it’s about the ecstasy of love, then it all goes wrong as ‘a raging sea… stole the only girl I love and drowned her deep inside of me’. Poetical imagery like that could have been written for lovelorn, introspective teens like you, who are really deep and sensitive, actually.

Someone Like You, Adele

A song for those whose ex has moved on while they haven’t. Admittedly Adele’s ex has got married in the song, and your ex snogged Gemma Crowley at Lee Smith’s party before throwing up behind the sofa, but otherwise it’s exactly the same.

American Woman, Lenny Kravitz

If you’re a teenager in Knutsford it’s unlikely you’ve been snogging an American woman, much less Heather Graham. But you can learn from this song’s robust attitude to relationships. ‘Don’t come hangin’ around my door, I don’t want to see your face no more’ sings Lenny. And thanks to your band you’ll soon be like him. Once you find a singer. And write some actual songs. And Gav learns the bass instead of playing random notes.

Nothing Compares 2 U, Sinead O’Connor

Older people know that most partners can be replaced or improved upon, so really it should be ‘Quite A Lot Of Other People Compare 2 U’. However as a teenager you firmly believed some tracksuited dick called Jaxon was your true love forever. Actually you dodged a bullet there, hun.

Everybody Hurts, REM

No self-respecting teenager should be listening to this tune for really old people, but suddenly it speaks to you. It does hurt. It’s like a million red-hot daggers piercing your heart. You might put that in a poem.

With Or Without You, U2

Believe it or not, teenagers once listened to U2. This gets straight to the melodramatic point: ‘I can’t live, with or without you.’ It’s best not to take this too literally and see if you feel better after, say, buying a new Playstation game.

Torn, Natalie Imbruglia

A thoughtful song about a man who is not as perfect as he at first seems. So a relatable yet cautionary tune for teenage girls exploring new romantic feelings. Teenage boys meanwhile can cheer themselves up with a wank over sexy pixie Natalie, and Ms Imbruglia must have made a f**king fortune from this massive hit. Everyone’s a winner, really.

Puff the Magic Dragon, Peter, Paul & Mary

This childhood classic isn’t exactly about doomed romance, but in your emotionally fragile state even the bits about string and sealing wax will have you blubbing like Gwyneth Paltrow. This will give you a massive dose of emotional catharsis and get the heartbreak out of your system. This probably applies to recently-dumped 20, 30 and 40-somethings too.

Where's your bloody husband pissed off to now? Take our quiz

25th August 2022

NEED some help with chores and your husband’s nowhere to be found? Find out where he’s pissed off to with our handy quiz.

Have you checked the garden?

A) No sign of him. And there’s still the clothes on the washing line he said he’d take in. Add this to your mental list of his failures to present to him when you do find him.

B) If you haven’t checked yet because you’re busy making dinner, hoovering and helping the kids with their homework, he’s probably wandering about outside, staring at a hedge like a sort of shit Monty Don.

Is he in the car?

A) No the car’s empty and as filthy as usual. Add ‘cleaning out all the sandwich wrappers from the passenger footwell’ to your list of chores.

B) There he is! He’s reached the age as a man where he’ll sometimes just go and sit in their car for a while. Probably best not to question this weird habit, although you’d love to know what the appeal is.

Are his running shoes missing?

A) His barely-used running shoes are still in the porch, so, unfortunately, he hasn’t been seized by the desire to listen to you and his doctor and suddenly massively change his lifestyle.

B) Yes. He’s gone on one of his ‘runs’, where he spends five minutes jogging to the nearest Greggs before walking back eating two sausage rolls.

Are his golf clubs gone?

A) Nope, they’re still in the shed, so it’s unlikely he’s nipped off to the driving range. Though you wouldn’t put it past the dopey prick to have accidentally driven there without them.

B) Yes. So he’s headed to the driving range on the one night you asked him to look after the kids so you could go out. Remember to ask your friend the name of her great divorce lawyer while you book a babysitter.

Is the key bowl empty?

A) Nope, his house keys are still where they should be. Although there’s every possibility he f**ked off down the pub and just forgot to take them. Enjoy ignoring the doorbell when he turns up pissed at 1am.

B) His keys are gone but none of his other belongings are. He’s definitely at the pub. You have a strong temptation to gather up all his stuff and drop them off for him while a workman is changing the locks.

Are his football boots there?

A) His boots are still in the hall, muddy as ever. Hopefully he’s just upstairs playing FIFA, at least there’s less chance he’ll put himself out of parenting action by breaking a metatarsal this way.

B) It seems he’s joined a new amateur team on the last night you have the skip outside. Fantasise about the affair you’ll have while you single-handedly load a futon into a skip.