YOU’VE boarded the train and are tackling the obstacle course of the aisle while looking for a seat. For Christ’s sake don’t sit down next to these types of snack.
The smelly one
Sitting next to a packet of smoked mackerel or a stinking bake full of mechanically recovered beef slop is a circle of hell Dante would have written about if they’d had trains in the 14th century. It’s just as torturous if the snacks smell good – enjoy standing for two hours while being wafted with some utter bastard’s freshly baked cookie or nice piece of pizza.
The oozy one
Ketchup-filled burgers and loaded burritos do not make good travelling companions. Mainly because you won’t be able to look away from the disgusting spectacle of their consumption, like watching a snake eating a mouse. Staring intently at someone could also make you look like a pervert, or, worse still, they may want to go on a date.
The splashy one
Keep an eye out for anything liquid: soup from a flask that’ll leap out of the cup on a bend, soy sauce that might be mis-squirted. And never squeeze into a two-seater alongside some prissy ‘My life is really together’ twat in a suit wrestling with a pre-prepared salad. The garlic and herb dressing is for their boring greenery, not the arm of your hoodie.
The children’s one
Where there are children’s snacks there are children. And nobody wants to be trapped near one of those on a long journey. Least of all one that is eating. Or, more correctly: crunching, dribbling, drooling, dropping and screaming. They may offer to share a biscuit with you, which is a nice gesture, but you don’t fancy the snot and spit topping they’ve added.
The delicious one
Worst of all is committing to a window seat next to a snack that looks so good you spend the journey salivating: a fragrant cinnamon bun from a fancy bakery or some Chinese food the devious swine has bought outside the station. And all you’ve got is an old cereal bar in your rucksack. Who knew life could be so cruel?