The worst snacks to sit next to on a train

YOU’VE boarded the train and are tackling the obstacle course of the aisle while looking for a seat. For Christ’s sake don’t sit down next to these types of snack.

The smelly one 

Sitting next to a packet of smoked mackerel or a stinking bake full of mechanically recovered beef slop is a circle of hell Dante would have written about if they’d had trains in the 14th century. It’s just as torturous if the snacks smell good – enjoy standing for two hours while being wafted with some utter bastard’s freshly baked cookie or nice piece of pizza.  

The oozy one 

Ketchup-filled burgers and loaded burritos do not make good travelling companions. Mainly because you won’t be able to look away from the disgusting spectacle of their consumption, like watching a snake eating a mouse. Staring intently at someone could also make you look like a pervert, or, worse still, they may want to go on a date.

The splashy one

Keep an eye out for anything liquid: soup from a flask that’ll leap out of the cup on a bend, soy sauce that might be mis-squirted. And never squeeze into a two-seater alongside some prissy ‘My life is really together’ twat in a suit wrestling with a pre-prepared salad. The garlic and herb dressing is for their boring greenery, not the arm of your hoodie.

The children’s one 

Where there are children’s snacks there are children. And nobody wants to be trapped near one of those on a long journey. Least of all one that is eating. Or, more correctly: crunching, dribbling, drooling, dropping and screaming. They may offer to share a biscuit with you, which is a nice gesture, but you don’t fancy the snot and spit topping they’ve added.

The delicious one

Worst of all is committing to a window seat next to a snack that looks so good you spend the journey salivating: a fragrant cinnamon bun from a fancy bakery or some Chinese food the devious swine has bought outside the station. And all you’ve got is an old cereal bar in your rucksack. Who knew life could be so cruel?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

You are a Daily Mail journalist: Can you turn three controversial tweets into a news story?

READERS love being riled up by the Daily Mail. And nothing gets them going like stories based on tweets from random nutters. If you want to be a Mail reporter, here’s how to master this vital skill.

Pick a controversial subject

Mail readers spend their days waiting for something to turn them into a frothing volcano of fury. As a reporter, it’s down to you to find a topic that never fails to give people over the age of 50 a massive rage boner – and there’s no shortage of those. Immigration is a no-brainer. Veganism will strangely send people into a frenzy. And trans women keep cheating at swimming by being men.  

Think up a mad opinion

You’ve got a contentious subject. Now you need to think of a totally batshit opinion on it – something that will both frighten and infuriate the average gammon. Let your creativity run wild: ‘Sausages are cultural appropriation, says BLM’, ‘Men should be forced to wear skirts in the workplace’, ‘Curtains are racist’. Don’t worry about going over the top – your readers are mental, possibly due to years of reading the Mail.

Find tweets by unhinged people who actually have that opinion

Back in the day, journalism was much harder. You actually had to go out and find lunatics with insane opinions in the real world. In 2022, you can find millions of utter f**king fruit loops at the touch of a button. Yes, it’s time to go on Twitter. And fortunately, only three tweets are required to justify a front page article. Use the search function to find a few disturbed people who have tweeted your crazy opinion then get copying and pasting.

Pretend those tweets represent the views of millions

Nobody cares about the opinion of a few losers with seven followers between them – but don’t let that get in the way of a good story. Now make it look like millions of people agree. It’s all about your use of language. Let’s say you write that that there are calls to outlaw Maltesers. No one need know that the only people making those calls are an unhinged twat in Wrexham, someone who thought the post was a joke, and someone who clicked ‘like’ by mistake.  

Repeat this process every day

By this point, you should already have an incredibly compelling – and totally baseless – story on your hands. But the true Daily Mail journalist needs to meet this low standard every single day. People want to make Action Man a woman. Students think traffic lights are part of the patriarchy. Phillip Schofield should be deported. The only limit is your imagination and lack of integrity.